Many moons ago, I announced
on this blog that I intend to write another post about the Shidduch crisis.
Thus far, I have not delivered.
In truth, I did draft a
partial post long ago but I have neglected to follow through and complete it.
Many other topics have taken front page headlines of late. No need to drag out
a dead horse.
Nevertheless, over the
weekend I was inspired to make one more attempt to publish this evasive post in
honor of two things:
1.
We are at the eve of Tu B’Av – the traditional day of Shidduchim in our
culture.
2.
The most recent issue of Mishpacha magazine is running a feature about
a devoted askan from California – one Shlomo Yehuda Rechnitz – who is trying to
lend a helping hand.
It seems from the article
that R’ Shlomo Yehuda understands the crux of the problem: the natural age gap
between when girls enter the shidduch market to when boys enter the shidduch
market ensures that, on a yearly basis, more girls enter than do boys. As long
as this trend continues, there will always be a shortfall of boys. In
conjunction, for boys that linger a bit, with each passing year they have the
option to check out the younger inventory and overlook the veterans from the
girls’ side. Unfair, but such is life.
This is a vexing problem and
there is no true solution for it. Nothing can fix this in the short term. I
wrote about this at length in previous posts (see HERE).
Unfortunately, the best that
R’ Shlomo Yehuda does to help out is to advocate a remedy that is neither
original nor a true solution. Though it may reduce some of the symptoms, it
won’t cure the disease. He proposes to narrow the gap by encouraging boys to
enter the shidduch market close to the same age that girls do. This is
prevalent in Chassidic circles and, to a lesser extent, even in “Litvish”
circles in Eretz Yisroel.
The theory is that if boys
enter the market at about the age of 20, there will be more boys around to
capture the young girls and less unmarried girls will pass the “23” year mark.
As an added bonus, it will reduce the market of younger girls for older boys
who will then be more amenable toward more mature prospects.
This is bound to be an uphill
battle. And here is why:
·
First and foremost, as I said, this is not a short term solution. Even
if it were to be implemented tomorrow it will only help מכאן ולהבא – from now
on. It will do absolutely nothing to help the thousands of past due young women
who are stranded in limbo. If it becomes a new trend, perhaps it will help the
next generation after the current dor hamidbar passes on.
·
In terms of the age gap and what it causes, this plan – if successful –
would only narrow it to some degree but not eliminate it entirely.
·
Moreover, I think that even R’ Shlomo Yehuda recognizes that the
chances of this becoming a new norm are extremely daunting. The article discusses
the great challenges to learning development that must be overcome. It totally
makes no mention about the financial challenges that must be overcome. Every
young family needs income to exist. More income than single people need. And
young families quickly grow. The sooner they start out, the sooner they grow.
This income must come either from the couple themselves or from their parents.
My assumption is that neither one is going to be in a big hurry take on this
financial responsibility. More so in this current beleaguered economy.
·
Further, as a trained Shalom Bayit counselor, I have enough insight to
know encouraging boys to marry when they otherwise would not is playing with
fire. Yes, the article very optimistically states that young people can mature quickly
when they have to, but they don’t always do. And when they don’t, it’s a recipe
for disaster.
·
Not to mention that most girls are not so comfortable with younger
boys. While those unfortunates in the 24+ category may be flexible out of
necessity, the younger 19-21 year olds who are not yet hard pressed will still
seek out older fellows.
·
And my last point is that this plan would only work if the 20 year old
boys actually marry – like the Chassidim do. If they only use it as an early
starting point for dating but don’t “hit it off” quickly and linger around,
there is nothing accomplished.
All told, IMHO, this plan has
too many limitations to be truly effective although it may help reduce the
extent of the catastrophe to some degree. Of course, I think that any remedy, even if it
only helps a little, is worth trying out for the sake of those that it may
help.
That said, I want to expand
on the idea of modifying current trends to help alleviate the Shidduch
catastrophe (albeit not solving it) by implementing a new trend that I have
been advocating for over 5 years. This is to make the shidduch process easier,
faster and cheaper – and therefore more efficient – by encouraging young
singles to start the dating process using web cams and online video such as
Skype. I railed at length about the advantages of this idea in THIS POST.
Now, I wasn’t the only person
to come up with such an idea. A fellow named R’ Jeff Cohn who started
Make-a-Shidduch Foundation also saw the benefits of web cam dating. But since
he didn’t think he would get adequate Rabbinic support for a cost efficient
Internet based system, he invested a lot of time, money and energy in a very
clumsy, costly, and inefficient Point-to-point cable system. I recognized up
front that this PTP cable system cannot be workable and I wrote a post devoted
to explaining why (see HERE). I knew it would bomb but I gave it a chance.
Sure enough - it bombed!
Although there was a highly celebrated launch with the blessings of several
American Gedolim and some prominent shadchanim including the renowned Rabbi Shlomo Lewenstein from Lakewood, it never took off. And all the time, energy, and
money was lost.
Well, if the Rabbanim thought
it was a good idea and the shadchanim thought it was a good idea, how about
doing it right – so that it works? Sure, it won’t solve the Shidduch
catastrophe but shouldn’t we do anything sensible that can alleviate it to some
extent?
And now I want to get a bit
more personal.
Currently, I have three
children on the auction block (all available to the highest bidder), two of
whom are of the male persuasion and one is female.
The first of the three is my
oldest boy Yaakov who has made a few appearances in my posts. Yaakov turned 25
in March. He is pursuing a Masters degree at Bar Ilan U. As you can surmise, he
is more of a Torah Im Derech Eretz advocate(chareidi-lite) and he is
searching for his barshert in those circles.
The third of the 3 is my 21
year old daughter – the only female in this bunch. She is now 3 years post high
school and is facing the same trials and tribulations as everyone else. On the
plus side (for us, at least), it does not seem to me that this crisis is as
acute in Eretz Yisroel as it is in America. Perhaps we have a bit of an
advantage because American born FFB girls who are proficient in English are at
a premium here. So we get many suggestions. On the flip-side, there is a dearth
of American born FFB guys who are proficient in English, so many of the
suggestions are non-starters.
The one I want to focus on in
this post is my 23 year old full blown hard core black and white Yeshiva bochur
who I will call “Yossi”. He’s a serious, down-to-earth, genuine article type of
guy (tall, slim, dark blond and blue-eyed, too, in case that means anything to
anyone…) As you can imagine, we get a ton of suggestions for him. Never a dry
moment. He probably would have been long gone except that he’s a bit fussy on
three things: Location, location, location.
“Yossi” was born in the US of
A and was about 6.5 years old when we moved to the Holy land. Although he attended mainstream Israeli
Yeshivas in his formative years, he hasn’t been interested in dropping the
“Red’ from the Red, white and blue. Incidentally, in his mainstream “Israeli”
cheder, there were so many Anglo parents at every parents meeting that I
thought the Hebrew speaking parents must feel like foreigners. After he
completed his “Brisker” Yeshiva ketana, he immediately set out for the Anglo
Yeshiva gedolahs. And so, he spent 5 years in Yeshivas Birkas Mordechai (under
R’ Yaakov Friedman son-in-law of R’ Yosef Tendler Z”L of Baltimore) and then
Yeshivas Yagdil Torah (R’ Avrohom Teichman from Long Beach), and, finally, he
pitched his tent (almost literally) in the almighty Mir of Jerusalem by R’
Nissan Kaplan, Shlita. For the summer, he is a learning rebbe at Camp Adirim.
He walks American, talks
American, learns and socializes with the Americans, and…he wants an American
girl.
To be sure, there are
numerous American families just like ours living here in EY. Accordingly, we’ve
gotten many suggestions from the progeny of these families and, some of which
developed into actual shidduch “parshas”. So far nothing clicked for him and in
some cases, despite the young lady’s RW&B pedigree, he still felt that they
were “too Israeli”. Call it a mishugoss (I do), but his first preference is a
girl who actually currently resides in the USA.
The problem is: we live here.
And these kinds of girls are very scarce on this side of the ocean (because
they live there). Most American seminary girls are not dating (rightly so). The
exceptions are the second-year sem girls or those that just happen to be
visiting. Not a very large pool.
So if the most suitable
prospects for my “Yossi” are oceans away how do we bridge this gap?
One obvious solution is
simply to send him to learn in the US. A plausible solution, but rather a bit
too costly for my meager finances. We need “the next best thing to being
there”.
Enter Skype. Yep, for the
cost of a doughnut hole, my Yossi could date any prospect anywhere in the US or
Canada without missing a shiur. Of course, if something really looks promising,
we may need to dip into the meager finances and ship him overseas but the
foundation will already be dug out.
Interestingly enough, my
Yossi has personally met the renowned Shlomo Lewenstein (yes, the one mentioned
on page 69 of the Mishpacha issue) and, upon my instruction, told him point
blank that he prefers a true American girl and is willing to Skype for it. I
believe he mentioned it to some others as well. Among other pluses, this would
be a great opportunity to pioneer an unused method and open up a new frontier
for North American girls who are open to living in Eretz Yisroel.
Yet, to date, we have gotten
no response from the American officials. Not a nibble. Can it be that the
seminary graduates of today are so overwhelmed with Shidduch proposals cramming
their email boxes that they have no forbearance for a long distance b’show a la
Skype?
Not from what I just read in
Mishpacha magazine.
I don’t know if the
resistance to a new method is due to ignorance or apathy (I don’t know and I
don’t care), but if currently available low cost web cam dating is something
people won’t want to experiment with, how would we expect a more monumental change
like getting serious boys to want to marry en masse at substantially younger
ages?
Kol haKavod and hatzlacha rabba to R’ Shlomo
Yehuda Rechnitz but I don’t see this Shidduch crisis catastrophe getting
better any time soon.
Post script – Although it may not look this way, the purpose of this post is NOT to market “Yossi”. It is to market web cam dating. My “Yossi” does not need marketing and currently we are blessed with numerous prospects from the local talent, B”H. That said, if any reader is seriously interested in Yossi or in our other two children who are currently in the Parsha, feel free to email me at: 1a7b.author@gmail.com
Related posts:
Original Achas L'Maala post describing the severity of the Shidduch
http://www.achaslmaala.blogspot.co.il/2009/10/good-news-more-it-gets-better-more-it.html
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