Consumerism and the Art of Denial - Part 2: Tunnel Vision and Narcissism

Welcome back to Part 2 of “Dassi Through the Looking Glass”. If you have not read Part 1, please do.

In this portion we will review the Facebook post that Dassi wrote about Harav Mendel Shafran Shlita on March 10, 2019. I intend to point out that, not only does the plague of consumerism spread the symptoms of the Tochacha – shigaon, ivaron, and timhon levav, but it also foments hostility and outright wickedness.

Dassi’s words will be in dark red and I will stay in default black. Here we go:

 

This past Friday we met with Rabbi Shafran in Bnei Braq to discuss why he was publicly supporting Leifer by asking the court to release her under his care.

 

Comment:

I have written in the past about superfluous adverbs. They are usually the first giveaway of a distorted perspective since they are distortions of the facts. 

The adverb “publicly” is out of place. Rabbi Shafran wasn’t supporting Mrs. Leifer publicly or privately. He was supporting her – period. If proceedings are held publicly and he participates, it makes his participation public. And if the proceedings are held privately and he participates, it makes his participation private. Rabbi Shafran did not choose the venue of the proceedings. He just participated in them where they were held. He did not make any public rallies or statements. 

That said, the only reason there is so much publicity about this saga is because Dassi Erlich and her sisters and supporters want it. They are generating the publicity, not Rabbi Shafran. In short, they are prosecuting her publicly. So, he is standing up for her in public because this is the place where Dassi and her sisters are prosecuting her.

 

Now, let’s ignore the word “publicly” and look at her leading sentence again:

 

This past Friday we met with Rabbi Shafran in Bnei Braq to discuss why he was [publicly] supporting Leifer by asking the court to release her under his care.

 

Comment:

In short, the Sapper sisters arranged a meeting in Bnei Braq because they could not understand why a Jew who does indeed observe mitzvos is willing to support a religious Jew who is being prosecuted in contravention to Halachic standards and who is being held in jail without being convicted of anything.

 

Our meeting was right out of the text book I am studying regarding abusive arguments.

 

Comment:

I would love to know the name of the text book, who wrote it, and is it available on Amazon (second hand)?

All kidding aside, this is one of the most despicable and belligerent statements in this post. I will explain.

What is Dassi Erlich saying with the term “abusive arguments”? What are abusive arguments and what kind of a “textbook” describes them? 

Sure enough, there are volumes of books and papers about criminology and personality disorders and abusive behavior by people who engage in crime and abusive behavior. We can call these people “abusers”. These “textbooks” and papers go to great lengths to analyze the “arguments” and justifications that “abusers” present to rationalize their behavior. 

Whose behavior?

Well, that of the abusers, of course.

And, I suppose Dassi’s favorite current pastime is to study such a text book. 

But, unbeknownst to Dassi and her cronies, Rabbi Shafran is not an abuser. Nor is Rabbi Grossman nor Rabbi Litzman nor am I. We are all Torah observant objective people who are evaluating a situation without prejudice of either side. We can see both sides as victims, both sides as aggressors and both sides as Jews. And we are all interested in protecting the rights of the accused regardless of who the accused is. And we do not live in an echo chamber and we do not have tunnel vision. We can see and hear both sides of the issue.

It is hard to believe that Dassi is studying any textbooks about community leaders (or bloggers) who are not abusers. I tend to doubt there are any such textbooks. 

That said, these “abusive arguments” are coming out of an ancient textbook. They are the textbooks of the Rambam, Shulchan Aruch and Chofetz Chaim. And you can bet your bottom Australian dollar that Dassi Erlich is not studying those. 

What makes this statement so utterly despicable is that, in order for this statement to make sense, we must say that Dassi is equating the Torah scholars with actual “abusers”! As consumers, Dassi and her lynch mob cannot tell the difference. They are in total denial that there are other “textbooks”. They are in total denial that HKBH has other methods of dealing with these things. Most of them are in denial of HKBH altogether.

 

I now understand why we were so deeply pained after leaving this encounter with him.

 

Comment:

If it was out of the textbook, why are you so pained? Isn’t it what you expected to get? After all, it’s in the textbook that you are studying to be a post grad! What were you expecting???

In my Post Grad Degree in Domestic Violence

 

Comment:

“Domestic” as an adjective to “Violence” means at the hands of family members. Anyway, it looks like Dassi is trying to make a career for herself as a professional practitioner of domestic violence. As far as I know the best practitioners of domestic violence never went to school. The skills of domestic violence came naturally to them. In any case, I do not wish her success. 

 

I am learning that abusive arguments usually have the following four characteristics:

 

Comment:

My primary objective in this post is to deal with these “four characteristics”. Here we go:

 

1- Denial in refusing to believe us. "I did not say I believe you, I will not say I believe you. I will not come to court to support you. I will not take sides".

 

Comment:

Dassi is certainly a post-graduate in denial. She is in total denial of the fact that she – Dassi Erlich (and her sisters) – is currently an accuser, prosecutor, aggressor and pursuer and her goal is to hurt, destroy and punish Mrs. Leifer. She justifies her actions by proclaiming that she is trying to protect potential future victims (and change the future). It is questionable if there are potential future victims at risk, but it is not questionable that she is harassing and pursuing (rodef) Mrs. Leifer.

Dassi Erlich is not saying “believe me that I was molested” so she can get therapy and help for herself to rebuild her life. She is also not saying “believe me that Mrs. Leifer molested me” so that she can get some legitimate restitution from Mrs. Leifer. She is not even saying “believe me that Mrs. Leifer is not safe with young women” so that she should be disallowed to be a teacher anymore. She is saying, “Believe me that Mrs. Leifer is an irredeemable fiend and should be punished without mercy”. 

This is what a Torah observant Jew such as Rabbi Shafran has to look at. Dassi is an accuser and, at this stage, she is the rodef. What are the rules of believing an accuser?

Well, our Torah and Halacha give us clear rules of “neemanus”. And I elaborated on them in my post Thinking Like a Jew. The obvious rule is that nothing can be accepted as a fact if it cannot be corroborated by a second person. We are allowed to be choshesh (suspect) to implement protective measures but not to believe for the purposes of punishment. 

Plain and simple. 

Rabbi Shafran knows this, Rabbi Litzman knows this, I know this, and I wrote it. Dassi and her fellow consumers knew that I wrote it when I wrote it 2 ½ years ago, but they were in denial then and are in denial still. To some it just isn’t there and to others, it must be “misguided”.

But don’t all victims need to be believed?

We have a principle called פלגינן נאמנות – dividing the credibility. This means that we can believe what an individual says for what affects themselves but not for how it affects anybody else. For example, if a woman claims that she had extramarital relations so her husband must divorce her, and there are no objective witnesses, we believe her to invalidate her ketuba, but we do not believe her to force her husband to divorce her or to render her child a mamzer.

If somebody says they were molested, we should absolutely fully believe them that they were molested and do all we can to help them out. But when they say they were molested by "Abe", we can suspect "Abe" but we are not allowed to believe that part.

This is Torah, but the consumers want no part of it. 

 

2 - Excusing of ones beliefs." Leifer taught my two daughters and nothing ever happened to them".

 

Comment:

Like I said, this phrase is to me incoherent. For the life of me, I cannot figure out how this is different from the previous “characteristic”. 

In any case, I wonder if this was said by Rabbi Shafran. He certainly did not have any daughters studying in Australia. Perhaps he did say it and it refers to when Mrs. Leifer was teaching here in Eretz Yisrael before she went to Australia.

Regardless, if somebody says something like this, they are saying that they themselves have had some level of interaction with the accused person and there was nothing about this interaction that supports the accusations of the accusers. Yes, it can be used as basis to be skeptical about the allegations, but it is quite a rational observation being made by a rational person. Again, we are talking about a non-involved person who must make a personal judgment. It does not prove the accuser wrong, but it is meant to tell the accuser that they need to furnish some objective evidence to support their claim. 

Note that Dassi does not even pretend to claim that she presented any objective evidence to Rabbi Shafran. So if the score is that Rabbi Shafran brings the weight of his observation, as limited as it may be (give it a value of 1) and Dassi Erlich brings absolutely nothing (value of 0), the nay-sayers win by a 1-0 shutout! 

So, I ask Dassi, why is such a comment worthy of criticism??

 

3- Minimisation of ones worth as a Survivor.
"You were abused already, somebody else hurt you".

 

Comment:

Although Dassi, at the receiving end may feel that such a statement minimizes her worth as a survivor, she cannot claim that this is the intent of the one who said it. To me, the clear implication of this line is to minimize the worth (i.e., impact) of the alleged abuser. The message is that you cannot honestly claim that all of your tzaros are a result of this alleged abuser since, by your own admission, you have repeatedly acknowledged that you underwent 15 years of real domestic abuse before encountering the one you are accusing. 

And we notice that you did not walk into the Victorian Police station and file any charges against the initial abusers.

Again, Dassi is in total denial that she is not petitioning to be recognized as a victim. She is petitioning to have Mrs. Leifer branded as an abuser. As such, any statement that is made by Rabbi Shafran relates to how he views the perceived culpability of Mrs. Leifer, not the victim [survivor] status of Dassi Erlich.

 

4-Justification. Writing a letter to the Justice Minister Ayelet Shaked and turning up at court to support Leifers bail, "It's my duty as a rabbi to support a fellow Jew".

 

Comment:

I got a good chuckle out of this one. Her keyword is “Justification” and her definition is “Writing a letter to the Justice Minister”. Cute.

Again, we see that Dassi is in denial that she is pursuing and prosecuting another Jew. From Dassi’s temperament and those of most of her commenters, they are in denial that Mrs. Leifer is a Jew and must be treated like one. And these people find it so very abhorrent that a non-consumer wants to do just that.

Once again, they are in denial of the Halachos of mesira and extradition. Dassi does not recount in her post a hint of asking Rabbi Shafran about Halachos. But, isn’t this what people go to rabbis for? 

 

When asked why Leifer's Jewishness deserved his sympathy over our own??

He refused to answer us.

 

Comment:

Such a question does not deserve an answer. The question itself is a display of total arrogance, immaturity and narcissism. 

It is clear to people like me and Rabbi Shafran that there is no need for us to prosecute or harm (destroy) Mrs. Leifer in order to be sympathetic to Dassi. We onlookers can afford to be sympathetic to everyone involved. They are not mutually exclusive. Thus, if in Dassi’s eyes, another Jew (a Shomer Mitzvos one, at that) needs to be harmed as a show of sympathy to her, then based on the Mishna in Pirkei Avos (5:18), there is something inherently malicious about her. Dassi is playing the spoiled child that demands from the loving parent to “choose” between me and the rival sibling. “If you love him/her, then you don’t love me!” or “If you won’t help me send her down the river, then you love her more than me”.

I think this is utterly detestable! 

Let’s first note that the issue at hand here is not that Rabbi Shafran or anybody wants to condone any sexual misbehavior that Mrs. Leifer may have committed more than a decade ago and it is certainly not an effort to enable her to resume these activities. The Sapper sisters are going ballistic over the prospect of Mrs. Leifer being released from prison to house arrest so that she can continue a semi-normal family life and to live like a human being and a Jew – i.e., keep Shabbos and Yom Tov and Pesach Seder – as all Jews who are religious and observant of mitzvos are entitled and required to do, while all the proceedings are going on.

This does not interfere in the lives of these saintly sisters nor does it put children at risk once she is being watched. 

Still and all, these saintly sisters cannot countenance allowing Mrs. Leifer to live like a human being and must fight tooth and nail to prevent it. Then they even confront people like Rabbis Grossman and Shafran for "asking the court to release her under their care". 

How dare Rabbis Grossman and Shafran ask that this unconvicted monster should be treated like a Jew and a human being? Or, as these paragons of virtue put it (publicly):

“What kind of G-d are they praying to that protects abusers?” (Haaretz March 7, 2019).

Our G-d does not want anybody to languish in prison. But, evidently, these sisters (two of whom abandoned observance) don't worship the same G-d. They worship a god who would not allow such compassion. A god of Vengeance!

As I said, I think this is utterly deplorably wicked! 

Let’s add to this that, I have previously speculated, based on JCW’s own statistics, that it is more than likely that Mrs. Leifer is herself a victim of abuse and, if so, should be entitled to some measure of sympathy (which does not need to be construed as coming at the expense of the alleged victim). Of course, to acknowledge this likelihood is such a game-changer to the consumer lynch mob that their denial is absolutely deafening. When I brought this up to a woman emailer from Australia who claimed to be a victim of Mrs. Leifer, she refused to answer me.

It goes both ways.

An immature narcissist can only see their personal interests. To a narcissist, there is no such thing as looking out for the interests of all sides. It is either “you are on my side or you are against me”. A narcissist is in perpetual denial that it is possible for an objective bystander to be out for the welfare of both sides. This is because they are in denial that anybody else’s wellbeing matters. Only theirs. 

Dassi stated publicly at the JCW event on Nov. 25, 2018 (3:12-3:26), “We continue to be told that we are doing this for revenge or some sort of victim fame, which I don’t understand, but nothing could be further from the truth. We are here for nothing else than to try and change the future.”

Well, if it’s not a personal vendetta or a quest for revenge, why does she take it so personal if a renowned Talmid Chacham is looking out for both sides and doesn’t think that being moser Mrs. Leifer to goyim in Australia is a positive step in changing the future?

I see no small measure of hypocrisy here.

In any case, I clearly wrote in my post in June 2017:

...contrary to all appearances, I really do have a lot of ahavas Yisroel. I don’t want to see Malka Leifer destroyed and I don’t want to see Dassi Erlich destroyed. There is no need for it. As far as I know, they are both victims. I think it's a better idea to try to fix wounded people than to try to break them. But I have yet to hear a single voice echo mine!

The lynch mob consumers are in denial that people such as I and Rabbi Shafran may actually be sincere and want what is best for all sides. They have no clue what sincerity is. My claim to “ahavas Yisroel” was ridiculed publicly without it being substantiated. Just like what Dassi is doing to Rabbi Shafran in her post.

 

He did explain the importance of supporting the abuser because he saw them as the underdog.

 

Comment:

I wonder what the real words were. I thought Dassi wrote that he didn’t believe her that she is an abuser. Anyway, what he obviously meant is she (Mrs. Leifer) is the pursued and accused. She is entitled to all the rights of an accused person. 

Dassi denies this. She is a victim-for-life, so even when she is the aggressor and pursuer, she has to be the underdog. It’s just not fair that anybody can think that the person she is pursuing to destroy is an underdog. 

This is tunnel vision.

 

I looked at him incredulously and asked him if he had ever been to court when an Ultra-Orthodox predator was the accused. On which sides was the court swollen with supporters?

 

Comment:

I believe he was to court when an Ultra-Orthodox predator was the accused back on February 18, 2019.  It seems that the court was swollen by supporters of the accusers and the accused was undeniably the underdog.

But Dassi can always deny it. This is why she was incredulous.

 

Again he refused to respond.

 

Comment:

It’s clear that Dassi, who has left observance, is not now and never was interested in the Halachic viewpoint of accusations. She was not too receptive of this viewpoint when I wrote it and she has shown no inclination to be receptive now. Dassi’s response to Rabbi Shafran (about if he had ever been to court…) along with her incredulous look was a disputation of his statement, not a sincere request for him to qualify it (as in “What do you mean by that?”). 

When people contact me with the sole intention of disputing what I have said and with no intention of trying to come to terms with it (the vast majority), it does not pay to try to respond.

 

Rav Shafran is heralded as the Rabbi who instructs complainants to report to the police. He shared an example of a woman who called him up recently. "Go to the police", he told them, "know though your children will expelled from school, you will be barred from your synagogue and you life will be ruined".

 

Comment:

This paragraph doesn’t flow. In our language we say: קשיא רישא אסיפא (the first segment contradicts the second one) or מעשה לסתור? (do you bring a case example that is contradictory?). But, as I already wrote, I do not give Dassi a medal for coherency on this post. 

Anyway, it is not possible to comment on stories like these because their brevity leaves way too much to the imagination. We have no clue exactly what the recent woman in question was complaining about and what, and whom, she wanted to report.

I need to reiterate that way before I knew about Malka Leifer or Dassi Erlich, I wrote a summary of Hilchos mesira called the 3 Ps (and 3 Cs). 

The 3 Ps basically said that there are three incremental steps to dealing with suspected molesters – (1) Prevention (Protection), (2) Publicity, and (3) Police (Punishment). The steps must be taken in that order. If step 1 resolves the issue, it is forbidden to advance to step 2. If not, then step 2 is indicated, but it is still forbidden to advance to step 3 unless even step 2 does not resolve the issue. Hence, going to the police is only permissible if it is absolutely necessary in order to resolve the problem. And even that is governed by the 3 Cs.

The case of the woman who called Rabbi Shafran is unclear. If she had other options (P1 and P2), she has no business resorting to P3 and should be subject to the consequences. Perhaps, this was what Rabbi Shafran was telling her. If she had no other recourse than P3, these consequences are uncalled for. I do not condone them and I very much sympathize with this woman.

Well and good, but all this is chit chat. The Sapper sisters met with Rabbi Shafran “to discuss why he was publicly supporting Leifer by asking the court to release her under his care.” The Malka Leifer case does not qualify for P3. And even if it did, there is no reason to oppose, and every reason to support house arrest. Specifically, if there was no violence in the alleged abuse as is true in this case.

 

Imagine how hard it is for survivors of abuse in his community to speak up. This man is considered a standard bearer on these issues. What hope do these people have?

 

Comment:

In a sense, Dassi does have a point in her closing paragraph. It isn’t easy to speak up. But much of it depends on who do you want to speak up to. What do you want to achieve by speaking up? Are you doing it to protect somebody who is currently in danger or to prosecute somebody for what he did yesterday (or a decade ago)? Are you trying to fix a specific problem in the here and now or trying to make a public spectacle to do “nothing else than to try and change the future”? Are you doing a kiddush Hashem or a chillul Hashem???

Before one can answer these questions, they must be able to hear them and see the different angles. But you’ll never hear them in an echo chamber and you won’t be able to see them if you have tunnel vision.

 

 

Post Script – I would love to be able to enter a link to this post on Dassi’s Facebook page, but alas, Dassi Erlich does not allow comments from any dissenters, only from supporters, and so I am blocked!