Author's note - This post is a continuation of the previous post about shidduch resumes (click HERE to view). The "ground rules" that were stated at the beginning of the earlier post apply here as well.
Hello, loyal readers. I hope everybody enjoyed the
inspiring anti-extradition and mesira series and faithfully sent out those
emails. We know that our fearless justice officials are much too busy
destroying hilltop outposts and prosecuting trigger-happy soldiers to have time to learn any Yoreh Deah or Choshen
Mishpat, so it is a great toelles to send out those Halacha-of-the-Day emails.
Keep them coming!
It looks like my blog site is getting a bit of attention
for a change. The main post in that series was my all-time top grossing post.
My site meter went wild. Beat out The Govoha Indians! But things appear to have
settled down and we can now return to our regularly scheduled programming. So
let’s talk about shidduch resumes.
My previous resume post covered the formatting side of
the issue. It is time to discuss content - or what I call “dis-content”. For
this post, I have a reference file full of resumes. I keep folders in my
Documents library for all my children. When I receive a resume for my Yossi
(almost always via email), I store it in his folder. I also have some resumes
for my other son and some resumes of female relatives and friends that we are
looking out for. All told, my input comes from a dataset of about 40-50
resumes. We will refer to the common things about these resumes and the unique
things as we go along.
One important note – For now, we are discussing
mainstream “Yeshivishe” people who are coming from an intact 2-parent family
with no unusual complications, where the family is a long-standing part of
their community and where the girl primarily lives at home. No surprises. I
hope to eventually include suggestions for people with “special” circumstances
(divorce, orphan, adopted, girl not living at home, migrating family, etc.) at a
later point. Certainly, not in this post.
For this post, it may help to have a sample “preferred” resume
for reference and I just happen to have one handy (the same one I displayed in
the last post). You can see it HERE.
I have written that I am a proponent of putting a lot of
information on a shidduch resume, which I do. A few people have asked me why I
put so much info on the resume. Let me state my standard answer loud and clear:
The information that I put on a resume is exactly what I would like to see on a
resume that is presented to me. The message here is that you are writing a
resume for somebody else to look at and evaluate. It helps to make it
user-friendly. As I wrote previously, it sends the message that you are serious
about getting “the nod” (to be asked out) and, ultimately, you are serious about
getting hitched.
On a per-detail basis, there is almost nothing on my
sample resume (besides hair color) that I haven’t occasionally found on other resumes. So it’s
certainly not an anomaly to include these types of details. My argument is that
it would be nice if these things were standard on all shidduch resumes.
One not-so-important note – In view of all the above, it
emerges that the subject matter for this is so extensive that, once again, it
is too much for a single post. This post will only cover the banner and the
basics.
Before we analyze the content, there is one other thing
that I must strongly emphasize which is probably the most important point of
this series of posts:
People (i.e., naïve girls) mistakenly think that the
shadchan is the real salesman of the product and that the resume is only a
“Trailer” to give a preliminary glimpse of the girl and that the shadchan will
fill in all the blanks. Well, as the father of a boy, let me state that
probably 50% if not more of the resumes come second or third hand from both
close and casual acquaintances (of ours) that may not even know the girl at
all! We get resumes that are simply “Check out this girl and if you are
interested, we will find some mutual acquaintance (read: Facebook “Friend”) to
be the go-between.” Do not think that just because you gave your resume to your
“agent” – your aunt or cousin or some shadchan that gave you a full hour
interview - that the aunt, cousin, or shadchan is always the one who delivers
the resume to the boy and will sing your praises.
If your resume is not presented by your agent, it must
speak for itself. If the resume is not detailed enough or powerful enough to
draw interest, you may be passing up scores of “chance meetings” with numerous
potential husbands.
Let’s look at the resume from the top down.
Header - בס"ד / BS”D
The header is the upper margin of the page. There are two
wonderful things about headers: (1) a header does not eat up any space from your main
page. (2) What you put in a standard header appears on every page in a multi-page
document. So a header is a great opportunity to make a statement at no cost of
page space and you get it on all the pages.
This is where a nice frum Jew usually writes: בס"ד or BS”D. Or so one would think. This
little notation is very powerful since it displays a bit of yiras shmayim and humility.
It tells me that the writer acknowledges that a Higher Power is really the One
running the show. This is a very healthy attitude both with regard to dating
and regard to marriage itself. It is also a miniature tefillah. So, one cannot
go wrong by inserting it.
I am totally amazed and appalled that out of 40 plus
resumes in my database, only eight girls inserted any בס"ד. Four of these were resumes of Israeli
based girls from before Yossi’s American escapades. Of the other four, two were
Monsey girls of a more “heimishe” background. Another was from Baltimore
and is now married.
Not a single girl from Lakewood had בס"ד on her resume!
Shocking!
While we are up in the header, you may have noticed that
I put my daughter’s full name in Hebrew. Why did I do this?
There are a number of reasons. The simple ones are,
firstly, that it is an eye-catcher. To have ink splattered on unusual parts of
the page makes the resume stand out from the competition. I wrote about this at
length in my previous post about formatting. As long as this does not become a
standard, not only will your resume stand out in a pile, but even without looking
at the resume or rechecking the name, the boy/mother/shadchan will very likely
immediately identify whose resume it is. The brain will just simply announce:
“Oh, that’s that Shiffy Hirshman girl’s resume”.
Secondly, since the header shows on every page and I am
an advocate of two-page resumes, the name on top will help identify the second
page if the pages get separated.
Aside from these two reasons, there is a mystical power
to seeing somebody’s full name in Hebrew. This idea was actually inspired by
one girl (only) who’s name is Devorah who put her full matronymic in Hebrew
underneath her name in the banner: דבורה נחמה בת שיינע דינה (Incidentally,
this girl is one of the Israeli based בס"ד girls and is one of only two that had a two
page resume. It is the most useful resume that I have seen by far.) Hebrew, in
and of itself, gives a frum reader a more “Jewish” feeling and seeing a
person’s full name makes some kind of a spiritual connection that brings about
some level of intimacy. It is for this reason that many chareidi dating coaches
say that while dating, a ben Torah should avoid calling the girl by her given name
more than is necessary; so as not to invite this “intimacy” prematurely. (Some
Chassidic sects maintain this standard even after marriage!) I hope to
elaborate on this when I discuss names – very shortly.
A personal reason for the name in Hebrew on top is
because we live in E”Y. For now, all of our resumes are written in English.
Even so, since they are likely to come to the attention of people who don’t
really read English, at the very least her name should be displayed in Hebrew.
This obviously does not apply in the US.
Banner
The banner is the first thing that you see at the top of
the page. Invariably, it is the name of the person being described in the
resume and it appears in big bold letters. Usually other bits of basic
information are lined up under the banner in lighter print. This may include
location (address), contact information, age (DOB) and height. It doesn’t
really matter how this information is laid out as long as all the necessary
information is located somewhere in the beginning of the resume.
In my resume the only information I include in the banner
after the name is her address and personal cell number. This is followed by contact information for
her “handler” (i.e. mother) and the “vital statistics” come after that.
The key is that all of these elements are vitally
essential. It is fascinating how much of this stuff is missing from so many
resumes and I am not sure that the girls realize how much damage it does to
them. We will discuss all of these things one by one.
Name
You are probably thinking that this is going to be one of
the briefest topics in this discussion. If there is one thing that all resumes
prominently display, it is the name of the person. Why don’t we just move on to the next topic?
What is there to discuss about a name?
More than you realize. Many of the flawed resumes that I
constantly complain about get their failing grade right there – at the name.
So not too long ago, we received a resume titled by the
name Mimi Klein (only the last name is changed).
“Mimi”? Is that your name?
Well, it’s probably a safe guess that her real name is
“Miriam”. But I don’t like to guess. I want to be informed. “Rivky” and
“Shiffy” are also safe guesses. But I still don’t like to guess. Now, how about
“Shevi”? is that Batsheva? Elisheva? Just Sheva? Even for boys, “Avi” may be Avshalom,
Avigdor, or Avichai. And “Eli”? Anyone’s guess! Even “Mimi” could still be a
different name. Suppose her real name is Meira Mindel and the parents just
wanted to call her Mimi because of the double-M alliteration.
Once I see “Mimi”, I know that I am not getting her full
name. So I think: Are there other names? What are they? Why don’t I deserve to
know? She is concealing her true name – even if it’s an easy guess. What else
is she concealing?
If you have a pet name or a nickname, I like to know
that, too. But this should be in parentheses. The name at the top of the resume
should be a real given name. Ideally it should be your full given name. As many
names as you have.
[Note that in my sample resume, I did not put Shiffy’s
full name in the banner. This is because, in my layout, I restate her name a
bit later in a block of information called Basics. I only wrote her full name
at that point because that block of information is more formal. Besides, in my case, I already have the full
name printed in the header.]
A full name is important for numerous reasons. The simple
one indicated above is that it is just plain “derech eretz” to present your
full name. Aside from that, there may be practical and/or mystical reasons,
primarily hakpados.
There are religious circles that avoid shidduchim where the
name of the girl is the same as the name of the boy’s mother and likewise,
where the name of the boy is the same as the name of the girl’s father. There are
all types. Many people are not makpid at all, others are only makpid for the
mother/daughter-in-law scenario. And others for both male and female sides.
Some are only makpid if the first names match, some only if it’s an identical
match but some go the distance and are makpid if any name of the boy or girl
matches any name of the corresponding parent on the other side.
In our experience, some of the most promising sounding
shidduchim for my Yossie were nixed (from the girl’s father) because only
the first name matched, and in one case where his first name was the father’s
second name it was also nixed. This is after we invested time doing some
research into the shidduch. The message is that hakpados of names is not a rare
issue by any means and some people take it to the extreme. Hence, it is
important for full names to appear on a resume so that if the name happens to
be “blacklisted” because of hakpados, the shidduch can be promptly, quietly,
and painlessly ruled out.
So let's suppose that Mimi Klein is really Meira Mindel. And the boy's mother's name is also Meira or Mindel. His family may only first discover his "intended's" real name when they are writing the Kesuba (not an uncommon occurrence). All this time they all thought her name was Miriam. This would not be a good time for such a revelation and it could lead to more severe "name-calling".
There are additional mystical reasons why it is important
to put your full given name on a resume. One is simply that certain names may
be common in somebody’s family and have a special sentimental value that may
encourage the boy to favor this shidduch (“Whoa- Her name is Shayna Breina?
That was my great-grandmother’s name…”). In other words, your true name may have
special significance to somebody and he may be drawn to your resume. Of course, this may also be the name of a sister or cousin that he can't tolerate, so you don't always win.
Another
mystical concept is in line with the chazal that 40 days before a man is
formed, his zivug is announced in Heaven. Every person has a “mazal” (malach)
that looks after him and that “mazal” will recognize the name if “he” sees it.
If you do not have your real full name on the resume, the “mazal” may not
recognize it and might pass it up.
And, finally, believe it or not, a heartziga person who
gets a hold of your resume, be it some shadchan[ista] or even the boy’s mother,
may actually want to daven for you or put your name on some shidduch tefillah
or Amuka list. If your true name is not on the resume (likewise for your
mother’s) you are passing up a golden opportunity. For this reason, I was
inspired by the girl who put her full matronymic on her resume (דבורה נחמה בת שיינע דינה ) and
I personally think it wouldn’t hurt if everybody did that.
All told, if the name is not properly presented it is a
heavy strike against the shidduch. Quite obviously, shidduchim are not passed
up for just one strike but a strike certainly doesn’t help.
Mimi Klein did not
get a date.
Address
I recommend that right under the name in the banner
should be the girl’s home address. It should be the address of her family even if
for some practical reason, she is not living at home. Remember, we are talking
now about simple cases where the family is established in their community
and the girl lives at home. It should be the complete street address and city
and state or province (or country if applicable). If for some strange reason
you feel there is some security issue to disclosing your full street address,
follow your feelings, but it will come at a price.
The purpose of the address is obvious. The next
thing that I (and I expect most people) want to know about a girl is: Where is she from? What place and
what community?
Also: Where is she located? Is she a close easy inexpensive
date or will one of us have to do some traveling and time juggling and pay the
price?
Also: Where can I find out more about her – without
necessarily relying on the references that she provides?
In a simple case where the girl lives at home, all of
these issues are “addressed” in the “address”. The city and state (province)
are clearly important for the first two aspects - everything that has to do
with that location: What community is she from? What are the pluses and minuses
and typical features – i.e., the mentality - of the people who live there? Is
it a predominately yeshivishe, chareidi, chassidish, more modern or mixed
community? Is it an affluent community or a lower income (or mixed) community? If
this shidduch works where will the wedding be? Where will I have to go for
yomim tovim and simchas? Will I need to deal with different time zones? What is my
feeling on the possibility of living there myself? Is this a place that she
would be willing to relocate from?
Of course, for specific answers you will need to deal
with the shadchan, but this gives you a heads up about what things to find out
and what new challenges you may have to put up with. Also, don’t forget that
the resume may not be coming from somebody who knows all the answers (as noted
above).
As far as the street address, this is important especially
in big communities like greater NY, Monsey or Lakewood or in towns with
multiple Jewish communities - Los Angeles, Chicago, Baltimore, etc. – to
pinpoint the location. We all have personal acquaintances all over the map and
if I know where in Baltimore or where in Cleveland do they live, I can surmise
if Cousin Debbie or my business friend Alan might know them. Also, if you have
a common Jewish name and your father is Dovid Friedman or Moshe Cohen, you
don’t want an inquiring family to be given information about the other
Friedmans (whose father’s name is really Dov Ber) or the other Cohens (whose
father’s name is really also Moshe). With a precise address, they can confirm that
they are talking about the Friedmans from 3456 Maple or the Cohens from 1432 E.
16th.
Now this all seems so elementary, doesn’t it? This is why
I am so flabbergasted that I have to put up with resumes that don’t give me a
clue! Well, okay, in one case I got a clue.
This was one of the earlier resumes that we received. We
got it by email with no foreshpiel from the shadchan (who we did not know
anyway). The banner had the name of the girl “Sara Blimkus” (changed) and
after that there was no address, no city or state or anything. But… there was a phone
number (we will discuss phone numbers next) which began with “314”. I quickly put on
my “Sherlock” cap and googled “314 area code” and got St. Louis (thank G-d for
Google). Of course a bit further in the resume it did state:
EDUCATION
·
University of Missouri-St. Louis—Currently enrolled
Ah-ha! Armed with these two clues, I was able to surmise
that this maidel is most likely from St. Louis! Further investigation confirmed my suspicions.
St. Louis it is. Of course, I prided myself on my cunning sleuthfulness but I
was exceedingly annoyed. Why should I need to figure out that this girl is from
St. Louis? Why on earth can she not write on the resume in 11 point type that
she is from St. Louis??
Big strike!
Luckily, I have a first cousin in St. Louis who I am
always happy to contact. (They were not on the reference list of the resume.)
Turned out the report we got was very positive and the girl was ready to fly in
to Lakewood on her own dime.
This one went three dates.
Still, maidels, my advice is not to depend on whether the boy might
just happen to have a cousin in St. Louis – put your city and address on the resume!
Phone Number
Yes, you must have at least one phone number on the
resume.
As I noted before and in previous posts – you never know
how the resume will reach the boy. If there is no phone number or contact
information at all, and the resume did not come from your “agent”, how do you
expect a casual go-between to contact you?
I suppose it could be done with a bit of perseverance,
but I wouldn’t bank on too much perseverance in today’s world.
In my resumes, I put two contact phone numbers. The one in
the banner is the personal cell phone of the subject of the resume, Shiffy. After
that, I put a new section called Home Contact with the home phone number and, for good measure, the
email of the mother who fields all the shidduch suggestions.
I am just amazed at how many resumes supply no contact
information whatsoever (between 20-30%). Even some that have addresses. (This
includes the 2-page Israel based Devorah Nechama girl.) Of those that do, some
give multiple numbers without noting which is home, or cell, or their mother’s.
Of all the resumes that we received, only one provided anybody’s
email address.
[Home] Contact Information
In my resumes I made this into a separate section. In
general, if the girl lives at home it is sufficient just to put the home phone
number in the banner, especially if the girl or her mother does not use their
own cell phone. Most resumes do indeed have this. But it always helps to have
additional numbers and, if you work long distance like we do, at least one
email address. Just be certain to mark on the resume exactly who is on the
receiving end of a specific phone number or email address.
Basics
Almost every resume includes the age of the girl and her
height somewhere at the beginning along with contact information. The question
is what to put straight up together with her name in the banner and what to put further down.
Basically, it is all just a matter of taste. Many people like to put age and
height in alongside her name and contact info later. Others do the opposite.
They want the contact information to accompany the name.
Some people do all of it and this makes the banner look overloaded.
And then some people (the ones I get annoyed with) solve this by totally leaving out something – usually the
address or contact info.
What I do is sort of like making two banners. The top one has
the name with the address and phone number and a second one called Basics where
I repeat the name and then put the age and height and other physical
attributes. I styled the secondary banner after a standard ID document such as a passport
or driver’s license. So I listed the information the same way it would appear
in such a document. This is why I use an official full name in this section. I
also threw in eye color and hair color to emulate an ID doc but it is more or
less just for kicks.
Let’s go over the pieces.
Name
As I discussed, here is where to put the full name and if
you really want to put in a matronymic, go ahead.
DOB (Date of Birth - Age)
It goes without saying that after learning the girl’s name and
where she comes from, the next thing that anybody wants to know is: how old is
she? And, of course, 99% of resumes display the girl’s age. Of these, most do
it the right way by listing the Date of Birth (DOB). As long as it is truthful,
it is foolproof and impervious to how long ago the resume was written.
A few people write their age (e.g., 22 Yrs) on the resume
instead of the DOB. Never do this. This is a tremendous red flag. The first
thing that an astute bocher/shadchan/mother is going to think is that this
resume is probably at least three years out of date, regardless of whether it is or not. Moreover,
if they check into it and discover that the age is indeed inaccurate, even if
your birthday was last week and you truthfully wrote the information six months
ago (and the shadchan held this resume since then), you have just sent a
message that you are trying to pull one over them. Also, a message that you are a bit desperate.
These are not qualities that a typical yeshiva bocher (or anybody) wants to see
in a wife.
We understand that a girl’s age can work against her but
I think it is much better to be open and honest and have a bit of bitachon than
to even make it look like you are trying to fudge the facts.
Now, I have seen some resumes where the girl does both.
She presents her DOB and in parentheses writes: (22 Yrs) – or the opposite. I
do not recommend this for two reasons. One reason is that you are insulting the boy’s
(or his mother’s) intelligence by suggesting that they cannot do basic math and figure out your age from the birth date.
(That much math even chareidi boys learn.) The second reason is that, in case this
resume is still circulated after your next birthday and the age that appears is
no longer accurate, you are insulting your own intelligence by inadvertently displaying
that you cannot do basic math.
My advice is to just stick with the DOB.
Born In
For us olim, this is very important. We want to know a
shidduch prospect's cultural background and citizenship. It is important to know how old
the person was when they made a life-changing transition to assess what kind of
effect this might have on their personality. Hence, it is also important to
include when they made Aliyah - or yeridah, if applicable.
For a domestic US shidduch, this is not as important. Even so,
if the girl was born in an area other than where she currently lives, I highly
recommend including it. This alerts the prospective suitor that there was some
transition made somewhere along the line and they can inquire further if it is
something that has any significance or not.
Position
Of my entire dataset of resumes, only three girls were
thoughtful enough to list their position in the family order. I appreciated those resumes. Most people
do not think that this is necessary. After all, they will later present a list
of their siblings and what they are all doing. Usually they are listed in order of
age. So, they expect us to be able to count (even if we cannot do basic math) and to
figure out where they fit in, especially if they have listed the ages (or YOBs)
of their siblings. in short, this information might seem to be redundant. And besides, does it really matter?
To answer the last question first, yes, it does matter. People primarily want
to know if every sibling above this one is already married and thus this one is
the natural next-in-line, or if there are older unmarried siblings that may be
the source of complications. So if we see exactly where this one falls on the
list we can check if we are in the clear or not.
Case in point: There was a shidduch of a 20-21 year old girl that
somebody was repeatedly trying to interest us in and we refused to look at it. Why? Because she was the second child of the family coming after a 22 year old unmarried sister. I would not
allow my Yossie to get involved in what could turn out to be a resentful
situation (that can linger for years).
Aside from this, people are also interested if a person
is the oldest of a big bunch which tends to produce leadership qualities or bossiness
or is she the youngest and may be pampered or spoiled or is she some kind of a
middle child. Is she a lone girl in a boy family or a lone boy in a girl family,
or part of an unbroken string of “sorority” sisters, or whatever? All of these
things give a prospective suitor a glimpse of what their characters will be
like and they can evaluate if the expected tendencies are what they want in a wife.
To answer the first question that this is redundant since they will anyway
provide a rundown of their siblings further along, this is not so simple. Firstly, as I
wrote concerning other details, I do not like to guess or to figure things out.
I want to be told. And there are many more people like me. Secondly, if the siblings
are not listed by age order and/or the ages are not displayed, the guesswork
could get tricky. And, thirdly, there is a possibility that the resume is unclearly written to deliberately mislead the reader in order to hide
some of the concerns that were mentioned previously.
So, I believe that everyone should stand up and be
counted and to clearly indicate their sibling position on the resume.
Height
Virtually every resume includes the girl’s or boy’s
height. I have seen some exceptions. Do not be one.
If your height is missing, it is a sure-fire indicator that
your height is off-the-charts low or off-the-charts high. There are short people
that do not look so short and tall people that do not look so tall but if you
do not put your height on your resume you are clearly announcing: I look as
short or tall as the numbers (that I did not disclose) indicate. I am an oddball! It also indicates that you are conscientious about your height.
This is not a positive message.
As is the case regarding age, it is best to be open and
honest and have bitachon that your height will work in your favor. For many people,
height is not an important factor anyway. Likewise, we all know that some
matches are made particularly because somebody needs a shorter girl or wants a
taller one. That said, most of us (myself included) are very forgiving if the
numbers are fudged by an inch or so in whatever direction.
Hair and Eye Color
I have never seen this on any resume whatsoever. And I
fully admitted earlier in this post that I did it on my kids’ resumes primarily
“for kicks”. Of course there is no real need to put in a field for hair or eye
color. Still, this does not mean that there are no advantages to doing it. I
already wrote about this two shidduch posts ago on May 24. To save myself some
typing (and to get to bed earlier) I will copy/paste what I wrote there:
In my book, the way you get your resume
through the door is by making it look different than anybody else’s. To give an
example, in my children’s resumes, I include hair color and eye color. I
haven’t seen anybody else do it. Why do I?
One reason is precisely because nobody else
does it. It shows that whoever wrote this resume is not just another cow in the
herd. This is the one with the brown hair and the green eyes. Also, this is one
who is thoughtful enough to provide this information. It makes a psychological
impression.
In addition, it actually helps give the
reader a bit of a mental image of the physical person (in lieu of photographs
which are not encouraged in our circles). And since this image is only
imaginary, the incomplete part of the image is usually in line with the how the
buyer wants the prospect to look (as opposed to what kind of Frankenstein they
really look like). So now your resume presents a partial physical image while
the next person’s resume does not. Which one has the upper hand?
I just want to add to this that there are people who are
actually fussy that, let’s say, they davka prefer a blonde or perhaps they davka
don’t want a blonde. This information may wind up being the tie-breaker between
you and somebody else. And it should only work in your favor because if he
likes your features, you get the date. If he passes you up just on account of
your hair color, would you anyway want to marry such a guy?
So, girls and boys (but mostly girls), this concludes the
significance of the basic information on a shidduch resume. But, oh there is so
much more! Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter.
Your dating coach,
Mr. H
Posts
