Corona has set the world of shidduchim upside down.
Restrictions and lockdowns have added new challenges to an already challenging
sugya. The way things are going, every shidduch resume will begin with the
following information:
Name: Mimi Klein
DOB: 01/15/2000
Height: 5’ 4”
Green Status: Pro-Vax/ Anti-Vax
Hashem yerachem!
More seriously (as if the above isn’t serious), there are
imposing issues of logistics. If hotels and cafes and public parks and malls
are not open for business (perhaps this is not such a problem in the US), where
to go to date? Also, how to date a favorable prospect who is located in another
place – city, town, country, continent?
Now the latter problem was just as prevalent before the
pandemic crisis. As early as 2008, I was preaching to the world that we should
be implementing webcam dating (previously Skype and currently Zoom) to overcome
this hurdle. I did not get much of a following for this idea in 2008 and not
even when I revisited the issue around 2016 when my son was learning in the US
and Skype that much more advanced.
Now, with this crazy pandemic, things have certainly
changed. All types of social interaction have been compromised. We are
regularly using Zoom – or whatever system – to participate in simchas and
funerals and even in schooling, shiurei Torah and chavrusas. Actually, for
chavrusa learning, Zoom is a G-d-send. I have an official daily seder with my
son in Tel Aviv which was born of this pandemic. Likewise, my nephew in Ashdod
learns regularly with my Dad, LOY”T, (his grandfather), who lives in the US.
I have no idea to what extent online dates are being
implemented in frum shidduchim and I would certainly like to have one. I am not
talking about couples who have been dating for a while or who are already engaged.
I am talking about using online technology to meet for the first time –
perhaps, second or third as well – before actually meeting mask to mask.
I must assume that it probably happens on occasion and more
often than it used to but, for the most part, even now it is eschewed as a
normal way of initial dating as much as always. I don’t know about the boys,
but it seems like it is something that the girls cannot come to terms with.
And this brings me to the main subject of this post – Shidduch
Pictures.
Throughout the month of Adar, Mishpacha magazine was fielding
a slew of correspondence on a new trend which many find disturbing. It is the
matter of boys or shadchanim requesting – or demanding – that girls release a
picture of themselves as a prerequisite to agreeing to date the girl. Is this appropriate
or not?
This series of letters stirred up so much publicity that Reb
Dovid Lichtenstein dedicated a podcast episode of Headlines to this topic
featuring a number of outspoken people who spoke out. Finally, in the grand
Pesach edition of Mishpacha magazine, some anonymous activist put out a full
page ad on page 205. The ad comprises big bold white letters, all caps, on a
totally black background that scream out, “STOP THE SHIDDUCH PICTURES!” Aside
from an email address “For more information”, there is nothing else on this
page.
Seems like some folks are taking this very seriously. Should
they be?
I don’t think so.
Why?
As distasteful as it may be, it has its place.
In order to understand this topic, we need to understand
shidduchim. And no discussion about shidduchim would be complete without a
discussion of the 5 Mems.
To state my credentials, I never got semicha, so it could be
that I don’t know a word of Shas and poskim (I have nearly finished Shas, I
have completed all of mishnayos more than twice and have completed all four sections
of Shulchan Aruch - Mechaber and Rema – cover to cover but never took tests for
semicha) but as an alumnus of the BMG Shidduch Factory (pre-freezer) with
almost five years of active dating on my record, I can proudly claim to be an
expert on the 5 Mems.
Now, the 5 Mems come before the 2 Mems of Maarava that are
graced in the renowned gemara in Berachos 8a:
במערבא כי נסיב אינש אתתא אמרי ליה הכי מצא או
מוצא? מצא דכתיב "מצא אשה מצא טוב ויפק רצון מה'" מוצא דכתיב "ומוצא
אני מר ממות את האשה וגו'".
In Maarava (Eretz Yisroel), when a fellow would marry
a woman, they would ask, “Is it Matza or Motzeh?” “Matza”
refers to the pasuk that says (Mishlei 18:22) “One who has found (matza) a wife
has found something good”. “Motzeh” refers to the pasuk that says
(Koheles 7:26) “And I find (motzeh) more bitter than death a wife…”
They are asking: Is this a good woman, a good find? Or is
this a toxic woman?
But these 2 Mems come after the shidduch is
done, once the plate is broken. Before we get there, we have the 5 Mems, and
they are these:
1. מראה – Mareh – Appearance
2. ממון – Mammon – Financial status
3. משפחה – Mishpacha – Family status (Family
background, yichus, stability)
4. מחשבה – Machshava – Mind (Basic intelligence,
opinions and personality)
5. מידות – Midos – Values (ethical and religious)
These five attributes characterize the things a boy is
looking for in a spouse. Each boy has the standards for each of these
attributes that conform to his needs and the girl much get at least passing
grades in all five categories. As such, the way this list was usually applied
was as a retroactive diagnostic tool. This means that after the
boy dated the girl, if he wasn’t sure he wanted to continue or was sure that he
did not want to continue, the shadchan would present this list and ask which of
the “5 Mems” did not meet his expectations? This information helps the boy zero
in on what is bothering him and to determine if it is “adjustable” with this
girl, or at least to help get him a more fitting match the next time.
An unrealistic boy who is not himself a superstar may insist
on a high score on all fronts and will very likely be on the market for a
while, but a normal level-headed boy will understand that he will very likely
not find a perfect “ten” across the board. With this technique, we can see
which attributes are more important to him so that if the girl is outstanding
in one of those attributes he will be more flexible in some others. This can
apply to any of the attributes, even the appearance.
I noted that, as a diagnostic tool, the list would be analyzed
retroactively – i.e., after the date. But clearly, every boy (and most girls) has
their personal “5 Mems” search profile tucked into their subconsciousness from
the get-go. Remember that the 5 Mems includes appearance and, quite often, it
is at the top of the list.
We all know that the system, and just plain common sense,
dictates that we find out as much information as is readily available before we
make the investment of going out on real dates. The reason for all these
resumes and references and phone inquiries is to be able to make an informed
decision and to choose from a number of available options those that have the
best chances of success. Family is looked into, education is looked into, personality
is looked into and money is looked into way more than it should be. This is all
based on the degree of importance to the boy and his family. There is no reason
not to look into appearance on the same scale.
Incidentally, none of the information that we get in
shidduch inquiries can be considered accurate. Perhaps her name, birthdate and height
are empirical items but everything else can be manipulated, distorted, overplayed
or underplayed as much as a photo. So, to me, the argument that a photo does
not give a true “picture” is totally meaningless. Neither does any other piece
of information. But it does give one an idea and works into the composite
picture of things.
(One of the great folk tales is about a bochur who put his
dormitory number as a reference for his shidduchim. A prospective father-in-law
called the number and the boy himself happened to pick up the phone. The inquisitor,
who had no idea he was speaking to the bochur he was investigating, asked if the
boy shows up to minyan on time. The bochur truthfully answered, “I will tell
you the truth, I personally am not always on time for davening, BUT… whenever I
get to minyan, he is always also there.”)
Recall that I have been preaching for years about holding
preliminary webcam shidduch dates before actual face-to-face meetings. Apparently,
this did not really take off. A large part of the reason is that it does not sit
well with the female side of the mechitza. The girls want the real thing from
the start. They want the boys to take out the time and money and tremendous
energy to meet them without even having any idea what they look like.
I don’t look at this as being fair to the boy. I think that
as long as providing a picture (on request) it is so readily doable, once requested,
it is only fair to accommodate the request. And I believe that for a boy who
has many options and wants a certain type of appearance (or, more likely, wants
to rule out a certain type of appearance that does not appeal to him), he has
the right to ask.
This brings us to the Halachic perspective of all of this.
I followed the discussions in Mishpacha magazine to a large
extent. Don’t know if I read everything. Like much of what I see in the world
at large, it was much more emotion than intellect. It goes without saying that
the overwhelming consensus is not in favor of it. For those who got this far in
this blog post, it may surprise you that after all I have written, I am also
not in favor of it. I feel that the system is better served without it. But
this is my feeling. The question is, there anything wrong with it from a
Halachic perspective? If not, then any boy who requests a picture is within his
rights. As such, the public has no right to denigrate and vilify anybody who is
in favor of it.
This brings us to the discussion in the podcast episode of
Headlines. I listened to the entire podcast. My verdict:
I have a great deal of respect for Rabbi Henoch Plotnik
(full disclaimer, he is a close friend of mine from Yeshiva and more) though I
think what he discussed is not relevant to the issue. And I also greatly
respect the statements of Rabbi Shlomo Goldberger. What is more important is
that I think Mrs. Bella Beer and “Reb Meir” were right on the money.
Mrs. Tova Weinstein, although she means well, is barking up
the wrong tree. She is focusing on the potential, or perhaps actual, abuse of
the situation. We all agree any “practice” can be abused but this is no reason to actively oppose those who see a toeles in it. I do not support her campaign nor do I
think that anybody should. [Incidentally, she claims not to be connected to the
full page black and white ad in the Pesach edition of Mishpacha magazine which
I think is a waste of Yiddishe gelt. Chaval not to put that money in some
Hachnasas Kallah fund.]
I was very impressed with Rabbi Plotnik’s discussion and the
fact that he brought up the money issue and I agree with all his thoughts in
general. The only thing that gave me pause was his emphasis on the gemara in
Sanhedrin 75a which, as Reb Dovid Lichtenstein noted, does not deal with
shidduchim and his totally overlooking and omitting the well-known gemara in
Taanis that does deal with shidduchim.
For those who did not hear the podcast, Rabbi Plotnik
brought up a gemara in Sanhedrin 75a which tells us how far we must stay away
from giluy arayos – a dvar aveirah. The gemara tells of a fellow who was
physically lovesick for a woman he evidently had seen and the doctors said he will
die if he cannot gratify his craving to be intimate with her. It was a case of
life or death.
The sure cure was actual intimate relations and the Rabbis ruled
that this is out of the question even to save his life. The doctors suggested
it may be adequate if he merely sees her unclothed. The Rabbis said we cannot
allow this, either. The doctors said perhaps if he merely hears her voice from
behind a barrier. The Rabbis said that even this shadow of giluy arayos we must
prohibit to save the man’s life.
This is a very powerful Chazal and an apt lesson on how far
we must stay away from a dvar aveira. Even a shadow of one. As Rabbi Plotnik correctly
states, we see the sensitivity we must have to this subject. However, Rabbi
Plotnik does us one disservice and he tells us so himself – “I am not talking
about Halacha, I am talking about sensitivity.” He discussed the “hashkafic”
aspect but tactfully avoided the Halachic one. I think he had no business
avoiding it.
It is important to know the sensitivity and he does a great
job. But it is just as important – if not more so – to know the Halacha. As he
said, this issue is racked by emotion. It is the sensitivity that causes this.
But we need to stay focused on the Halacha. The problem with the gemara in
Sanhedrin 75a is that it is telling us the sensitivity, and the Halacha, we
must follow when faced with a dvar aveirah. Alas, our subject is
not dealing with a dvar aveirah. It is dealing with a dvar mitzvah.
We need Chazal to tell us the flexibility we may have in order to accomplish a
dvar mitzvah. For this we have a different Chazal which was not mentioned at
all throughout the entire Headlines podcast! The omission troubles me.
The gemara I am referring to is very well-known and it is
located in Taanis.
Most of us know the Mishna in Taanis (26b) that states:
There were no better days for the Jewish nation than the 15th of Av and Yom Kippur. For on those days the daughters of Jerusalem would go out wearing white dresses that were borrowed so as not to shame those who did not have their own dresses… And what would they say? Young man, raise your eyes and look at what you can choose… Do not look at beauty but rather look at family pedigree…
Later
on, the gemara elaborates (31a – Ein Yaakov version):
The pretty ones would say, “Set your eyes on beauty for a woman is only for beauty.” The pedigreed ones would say, “Set your eyes on pedigree for a woman is only for children.” The affluent ones would say, “Set your eyes on those who are wealthy (for a woman is only for Kollel – YH).” The homely ones would say, “Make your acquisition for the sake of Heaven but you must adorn us with jewels.”
I am very fond of the Ein Yaakov version because, with it,
we see at least 3 out of 5 of the 5 Mems – Mareh (appearance), Mishpacha (yichus),
and Mammon (gelt). I would venture to say that when the gemara mentions the “homely”
girls who want the boy to make his purchase “for the sake of Heaven” it was
referring to the smart ones (Machshava) or outgoing ones (Midos) who had a lot
to offer but couldn’t compete in the looks, yichus or money department. As
such, it really covers the entire list.
As I noted in previous posts, we don’t always take the
agaddic parts of Chazal at literal face value. This maypole dance may not have
been as “hefker” as it seems, but it does clearly indicate that when it comes
to making shidduchim, we loosen the reins to some extent.
And it tells us something more – different strokes for
different folks. HKBH gave every girl their strengths and weaknesses and part
of His plan is that He gave a girl what she’ll need to catch the right man. If
it’s looks it’s looks. If it’s money it’s money. If it’s brains it’s brains.
The Taanis maypole dance was a yearly event. A type of speed
dating where the bochurim can go out without renting a car and without buying a
coke and evaluate the “merchandise” (sorry ladies but even the gemara calls it
a “purchase”). And, by the way, it took place during bein ha’zmanim! We don’t
have this anymore. Nowadays, to meet a girl, a bochur needs to painstakingly
close his gemara, dress up, travel out, buy at least two cokes and put in at
least an hour or two before taking the girl home and only then traveling back.
No ben-Torah should go through all this without feeling that
there is a reasonable chance that his efforts will bear fruit. It is for this
reason that each person checks out the resume and calls references and ask the
questions that are important to him. This applies to anything that should be important
and the gemara in Taanis as well as the famous Chazal (Kiddushin 41a) – noted by
Rabbi Plotnik – that it is forbidden to betroth a woman before one evaluates
her appearance, tells us that checking out the girls appearance is a
fundamental part of the process. Actually, the gemara in Taanis puts it at the
top of the list.
In my day, before we had Internet, email and digital photos,
we still wanted to get an idea of what the girl looks like. The Yeshiva joke
was about the “chanyaki” iber-frum Yeshiva boy asking the shadchan, “Nu, so
tell me about how’s the hevel hayofi?” If the shadchan was related to the girl
or a friend or classmate and had a picture we would certainly want to look at
it. We would ask the “scale of 1 to 10” question and feel out from the way the
shadchan described her appearance if there was an emphasis on how she looks and
dresses or if other factors were emphasized more. We would turn down
suggestions just as much if the shadchan was not emphatic enough about the girl’s
looks even though perhaps we would like what we saw. That’s the way it goes. We
also got really mad at shadchanim who played up the girl’s looks and knew it
wouldn’t meet the expectations of the boy.
There is a lot of gneivas daas (deception) in this game.
Believe it or not, the photos actually reduce that.
The argument that – “Let them go out and he will see if he
likes her looks” is valid but at the same time it is also shallow and futile. It
can apply to any other attribute on the list and as much as he has a right –
and perhaps responsibility – to investigate these characteristics עד היכן שהיד
מגיע before he invests his time, money,
and energy, there is no reason it applies to this attribute any less. This is
exactly what Mrs. Bella Beer said in her interview on the podcast and I could
not agree with her more.
Likewise, I agree with what the bochur Meir said in the
podcast that, contrary to the nay-sayers, one can see a lot of personality
traits in a picture. Sure, they can be misleading but so can real life
meetings. Serious bochurim will not pass pictures around like baseball cards
(really serious bochurim won’t even have smartphones to do it with).
All told, on the one hand I am not a fan of asking for or
sending pictures. Nevertheless, I firmly believe that we cannot escape modern
technology nor should we. I believe like the gemara in Taanis says – every girl
should put their best foot (feature) forward and try to snag a guy who values
that feature the most. As much as a picture may “hurt” some girls who may not
be photogenic but have other good qualities, they may actually help many girls
who come from checkered backgrounds or families or did not do too well in school
or have other issues. For example, a boy from a stable family may be hesitant
to get involved with a girl whose parents are divorced but if she shines in a
photo, it may turn the tide in her favor. For some, a picture will level the
playing field, not tilt it.
We cannot turn the wheel backwards and we do not perform the
Masechet Taanis maypole dance anymore. There is a shidduch crisis going on and
anything that gets the job done is fair game. But it needs to be done right.
Sof Davar
After carefully examining both the Halachic and Hashkafic angles of this issue, here is “Rabbi” Yechezkel Hirshman’s “psak”:
- Any boy who wants to know what the girl looks like before he goes
out on an actual date is totally within his rights. As such, his request should
be respected and, at the very least, not disparaged or vilified in any way.
Note that seeing what the girl looks like does not mean storing it on disk or
smartphone and passing it around.
- Conversely, any girl who is not comfortable to submit a photo
should not be pressured into doing so.
- The photos should not be standalone jpegs or tifs. They should only
be embedded into her resume as part of a PDF.
- The wise thing is for a girl to have two versions of her resume
in PDF or Word (preferably PDF), one without a photo and one with. Unless
specifically requested otherwise, she should only submit the one without the
photo. If a specific boy who is seriously investigating the suggestion requests
a photo and his details seem good, it is wise to comply BUT do not
send just a photo but rather send the second resume with the
photo embedded. This way her photo does not go anywhere without the rest of her
resume.
- For the photo, do not primp up like a movie starlet. Believe it or not, most serious Yeshiva boys don’t want to marry girls that look like starlets and need to primp up. They only want natural chein and that is what you want to capture in the photo.
Personally, as noted above, I am not in favor of a boy
requesting to see a picture, but I am likewise against actively opposing it. It
has its place.
Currently, I have two daughters in the parsha. I send
regular resumes without photos but, upon request, if the shadchan
requests a photo, I will without hesitation send a photo of my daughter looking
“baalabatish” and certainly not “dressed to kill”. The purpose of the photo is
to let the boy know what she looks like, not to “sell the product”. So far, I
have not followed my own advice about sending an embedded photo because I only
deal with serious Torah-diga people and am not paranoid about their pictures
being passed around.
Take it from the man with seven daughters:
אִם אֶת-הַדָּבָר הַזֶּה, תַּעֲשֶׂה, וְצִוְּךָ אֱלֹקים,
וְיָכָלְתָּ עֲמֹד; וְגַם כָּל-הָעָם הַזֶּה, עַל-מְקֹמוֹ יָבֹא בְשָׁלוֹם.
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