Sunday, September 28, 2008

Tashlich L'Mehadrin

My friend Sruly emailed this to me. I did not write it (though I made a few touch-ups) and I am more than happy to credit the author if s/he is identified.

Incidentally, I think that the only place on earth where one can aquire (and require) this entire list is the Upper West Side!

B'Teavon!

Yechezkel

Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house
lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. I would suggest that we
can do better. Instead:

For ordinary sins, use - White Bread

For exotic sins - French Bread

For particularly dark sins - Pumpernickel

For complex sins - Multi-grain

For twisted sins - Pretzels

For tasteless sins - Rice Cakes

For sins of indecision - Waffles

For sins committed in haste - Matzah

For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes - Shmurah Matzah

For sins of chutzpah - Fresh Bread

For substance abuse/marijuana - Stoned Wheat

For substance abuse/heavy drugs - Poppy Seed

For drunkenness - Hamentashen

For arson - Toast

For timidity - Milk Toast

For haughtiness - French toast

For high-handedness - Napoleons

For having doubts - Wonder Bread

For being sulky - Sourdough

For silliness - Nut Bread

For a quick temper - Short bread

For being rude to guests - Hostess Twinkies

For jingoism - Yankee Doodles

For telling bad jokes - Corn Bread

For telling old jokes - Stale Bread

For being money-hungry - Enriched Bread or Raw Dough

For telling small lies – Fudge

For clowning around – Cream Pie

For ridiculing RYBS - Boston Cream Pie

For war-mongering - Kaiser Rolls

For racism - Crackers

For sophisticated racism - Ritz Crackers

For evangelism - Graham Crackers

For cynicism - Saltines

For being holier-than-thou - Bagels

For unfairly up-braiding others - Challah

For snobbery - Upper Crusts

For trashing the environment - Dumplings

For the sin of laziness - Any Very Long Loaf

For being hyper-critical - Pan Cakes

For political skullduggery - Bismarcks

For over-eating - Stuffing Bread or Bulkie Rolls

For gambling - Fortune Cookies

For pride - Puff Pastry

For cheating - Bread made with Nutrasweet and Olestra

For being snappish - Ginger Bread

For dropping in without calling beforehand - Popovers

For trying to improve everyone within sight -Angel Food Cake

For being up-tight and irritable - High Fiber or Bran Muffins

For sycophancy - Brownies

For rearing children incompetently - Raisin Bread

For immodest behavior - Tarts

For causing injury or damage to others - Tortes

For hardening our hearts - Jelly doughnuts

For abrasiveness - Grits

For recurring slip ups - Banana Bread

For davening off tune - Flat Bread

For impetuosity - Quick Bread

For mimicking Queen Elizabeth – English Muffins

For risking one's life unnecessarily - Hero Bread

For auto theft - Caraway

For excessive use of irony - Rye Bread

For larceny (especially of copyright material) - Stollen

etc.,etc.

Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.

For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, an attempt will be made to
have pre-packaged Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Tashlich Lite,
Medium and Industrial Strength) at your local Jewish bookstore or through your connections at Angel's Mafia (for sins you didn't want but couldn't refuse…)


ותשליך במצלות ים כל חטאתם

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