Four Horsemen of the Kol Koreh 4 - Mother in Pain

Author's note - This post is the final installment on the series about The Four Horsemen of the Kol Koreh Apocalypse. If you are not up to date on the topic, please see Horseman 1 HERE, the Interlude post HERE, Horseman 2 HERE, and Horseman 3 HERE.

 

It’s high time to close the subject of the distressing Kol Koreh of the 200 176 Rabbanim and the Four Horsemen. For those just joining us, the Four Horsemen of the Kol Koreh Apocalypse are four very common types of events in which it would not be advisable to adhere to the directives of this Kol Koreh (to take all cases of molestation directly to law enforcement). We discussed three of these Horsemen in the previous posts. We now have one more to go.

The fourth Horseman is the case of the Mother in Pain as described in first person by the letter that was published in the Jewish Press on February 20, 2017. It is worthwhile to read the entire letter. You can access it HERE.

To summarize, this woman writes about her son who she calls Yisroel (this is a pseudonym, but I think it is a very appropriate one because it seems to represent the kind of person who could be any one of us). This son had a challenging childhood and ADHD and - wouldn’t you know it? – was “picked up” by an older “friend” and was abused himself. At 19, he had an episode of being sexually abusive as a camp counselor. Yet, the mother claims, he seemed to straighten out, become a serious learner and get married.

After he was married for three years, had undergone therapy, and presumably was clear of abusive behavior, the camp victim unexpectedly set him up on a sting phone call to implicate him to the police.

Baruch Hashem, this vindictive act did not result in jail time – although it just as well might have. Nevertheless, as the mother writes, the long-term repercussions were devastating. This is what she writes:

There are many kinds of prisons. I am very grateful that my son is not incarcerated in jail. Instead, he is confined in the prison of community condemnation, from which there seems to be no release and no statute of limitations. And he is not alone; my husband, my other children, and myself are confined along with him. Our sense of banishment from a community where we have lived a lifetime and the terrible repercussions we and our children have experienced is devastatingly painful.

Before I go on, I need to state that I have no knowledge of this event outside of this letter written by the boy’s mother. I cannot vouch that this story really happened, and that this writer is not a perverted sensationalist making up this whole thing. That said, it appears to be totally credible, and I did not notice any holes that indicate a hoax. I am assuming it is totally factual and am analyzing it accordingly.

So, let us reconstruct a timeline for this case as well.

1983 - Yisroel is born. It was a chaotic time for his parents.

1993 (Approximate) – Yisroel is abused by an older friend. The mother does not reveal when her son was abused nor for how long the abuse lasted. She does indicate that it happened before high school. I will make an arbitrary guess of him being about 10 years old and this brings us to 1993.

2002 – Yisroel is 19 years old and engages in sexual abuse against a younger camper in his care.

2005 – Yisroel is 22 years old and is immersed in Torah studies. He is three years past his indiscretion at camp. This is when the victim’s mother contacts Yisroel’s mother. The situation is dealt with in a responsible manner and Yisroel enters prolonged therapy.

2008 (Approximate) – Yisroel is 25 years old. He has been in therapy for four years. He meets a young lady, marries and settles down to a normal family life.  It seems like he continues therapy for at least another two years.

2011 – Yisroel is 28 years old. He has been happily married for three years. The former camper pulls the sting operation to get Yisroel in trouble with the law. He obviously did not do it for any personal compensation or to protect anyone. It was for no other reason than to vindictively get him into legal trouble.

2017 – Yisroel is now 34 years old and has been needlessly living a hellish life for the past six years. This is when his mother took the time and effort to write about it in the Jewish Press. She does not elaborate on how this saga affected his marriage or any other specifics. All she writes is, “Now, almost 15 years later, despite being ostracized, shunned, and losing everything, he is still trying to be a contributing member of our society.”

This story has all the trappings of the precise type of person not to report to police based on my guidelines and on just plain common sense. From all the cases, this is the only one in which the alleged perpetrator is confirmed to be himself a victim of sexual abuse. Hence, according to the prevailing viewpoint (which I do not share) that a victim is entitled to “victim sympathy” for eternity, it certainly applies to this person. According to my position that a victim is no longer a victim after the abuse ends – although the term “former victim” may be in order – then the person who mosered him had no grounds to do so.

Some may want to respond that normally a victim is entitled to overwhelming sympathy forever; but that’s only until he or she becomes an abuser. Whereupon, all the “victim sympathy” becomes invalid. In response to this, I refer my readers to my post about Victim Turned Predator. According to my post, the one who mosered him is also an abuser, just a different sort. This applies to any former victim who resorts to unwarranted methods to persecute (or prosecute) suspected molesters – even their own.

Thus, I believe that those who respond this way are displaying double standards.

In addition to the fact that he was abused, there is the second consideration that this person acted out during his adolescence when he had no kosher way to address his personal needs. In this vein, he is similar to the young abuser portrayed in the Amudim Shattered clip, which was Horseman number 1. Indeed, when I discussed Horseman 1, I put in an elaborate discussion on the “youth” angle with a reference to the quote and statistics from Rabbi Yehoshua Berman. He stated that in his experience, the clear majority of offenders are adolescents.

This seems odd. Let’s call the “adolescent” stage from 12-21. This is a ten-year spread. According to the prevailing “wisdom” that “once a molester, always a molester” we should expect to see at least three times as many molesters in the 22–51-year-old range. It’s three times bigger and should contain all the incurable molesters from the past three decades who obviously are still molesting.

The obvious answer, if there are markedly fewer molesters in the three-decade 22-51-year-old range, is that adolescent offenders tend to grow up, get a life and straighten out. This does not mean that they are not responsible for the damage they did in the past, but it certainly means that getting them in trouble with the police will not get anyone’s damage fixed. It will only cause more.

You don’t have to take all of this from me. Our Mother in Pain did her own research, and this is what she reports (added emphasis is mine -YH):

To a community of loving families, fear is understandably the ruling factor, but we need a fact-based understanding of the issue rather than allow panic to rule the conversation. The research data available to date, indicates that the prevailing belief that “once a sexual offender, always a sexual offender” is not true in the case of adolescents. Dr. Elizabeth Letourneau, Director of The Center for Prevention of Child Sexual Abuse at Johns Hopkins University and her colleagues conducted a survey of first-time sexual offenders which found that upwards of 90% adolescent offenders do not re-offend. A Justice Department report (2009) on adolescent offenders analyzed data from 29 states and found that contrary to popular belief, 85% to 95% of these juvenile offenders are not re-arrested for the same category of crime. Dr. Letourneau explained that the expansion of sexual offender laws to include children and adolescents is based on the assumption that adolescent offenders cannot be reformed, but subsequent research has shown this assumption to be false. Understanding, evaluating and punishing any crime involves many considerations, including the age of the perpetrator, the frequency of the crime, whether the offender sought help, expressed remorse, provided restitution, asked for forgiveness, ever committed the offence again or his likelihood of reoffending.

A third consideration in this particular case is, that in this case, we see clearly that the alleged offender did indeed for real get therapy, straightened out and took responsibility for his dark days. It’s not just speculation. And the alleged victim and his mother were certainly aware of this.

I must assume that the victim turned predator made the sting call with his mother’s blessing. Despite the cooperation from the offender and his family, they had no qualms about reporting this person to the police and turning his life and that of his totally innocent family members into purgatory.

What exactly did the mother of the subsequent victim accomplish with her initial contact? What was her objective? Was she acting upon any Rabbinical advice?

Of course, according to our timeline above, it seems that this grand mesira took place circa 2011, which is a solid four years before this Kol Koreh was published. Hence, it cannot be said that the Kol Koreh directly influenced this event. Yet, I can only wonder, what took the Mother in Pain until early 2017 to write a letter to the Jewish Press? The letter doesn’t tell us. Could it be that the Kol Koreh of 2015-16 unleashed all of this pain?

Even though it came out later, the Kol Koreh of 2015-16 indicates that, if the informer did it then, he would have the blessing of 108 Rabbanim, or 176 Rabbanim as of 2022, plus HRHG Rav Dovid Cohen and Reb Dovid Lichtenstein and of anyone who supports it from the outside.

It’s clear that this attitude is not productive and needs to stop. When the average person thinks with his or her emotions, it is the job of our Rabbanim and community leaders to think with their heads.

What will it take? How many other mothers in pain are out there?

How many does there have to be?

 

Conclusion

As I stated throughout this series, the Four Horsemen are four types of situations where most rational people will agree that it is ill-advised to report to civil law enforcement as a first course of action.

While there are doubtless similarities between some of the cases, each case has something unique about it. In fact, I presented the four cases in a fixed order based on urgency. As follows:

Horseman 1 – Shattered – The alleged offender is currently menacing the victim. This cannot be ignored. It is imperative to deal with the offender. Even so, civil authorities are not the proper address.

Horseman 2 – Rav Ratzon Arussi – On one hand, the alleged offense was a one-time event that happened months before. On the other hand, there is no indication that the offender will not menace other people since he was never exposed. It is questionable whether to deal with the offender.

Horseman 3 – Malka Leifer – Here, as well, the alleged offense is a thing of the past. In addition, the accusations against the offender are already known and the alleged offender is banished from where it took place. The accusations and public exposure can serve as a warning to other people. Therefore, it is unnecessary to deal with the offender.

Horseman 4 – The Mother in Pain – The alleged offense is likewise a thing of the past. Moreover, there is every reason to assume that the offender will not re-offend. Hence, it is truly forbidden to deal with the offender.

I guess it goes from bad to worse.

When the initial printing of this Kol Koreh came out, I contacted one signatory who I am friendly with and asked him his reasons for signing. I reported it at that time (see HERE). As reported, one reason was: Too many predators are just getting away scot-free because they do not fear being turned over to the police.

My response was that even though there is some sense to that, it still has to be done properly. Interestingly, Rambam, in Sefer HaMitzvos (Frankel edition) Lo Taaseh 290 on the pasuk ונקי וצדיק אל תהרוג (Shmos 23:7) writes the following:

ולזכות אלף חוטאים יותר טוב ונכסף מהרוג זכאי אחד יום אחד

It is better and more desired to exonerate 1000 sinners than to execute a single innocent man on any given day.

The wisest of all men wrote (Koheles 3:3) that “There is a time to kill [other people] and a time to heal [other people]”. There are certainly many ways to interpret this. In a simple sense, if the other person is a lethal threat, the time is right to kill him. But if the other person is only broken, it is time to heal him.

But we can take this a step further. It depends on how you relate to the other person. How connected you are. Is he or she some kind of foreign alien that you have nothing to do with, or are they some kind of “family member” that is in some way your flesh and blood?

If they are a foreign alien, it is easier to just kill them and not to heal them. But if they are one of your family, one of your community, one of your people, then, if you kill them, you are killing part of yourself. And if you heal them, you are healing part of yourself.

A wise person always knows what time it is.