The Worst of All Molesters

 

I was recently at a shiva house and the avel told over a story. There was a minyan that was one man short. To fill the minyan, someone suggested to call an elderly Jew from the adjacent complex who was not known to be religious. The elderly fellow consented to join the minyan. Afterward, he remarked that he had not set foot into a shul for almost fifty years.

When he was asked why not, he told over that he had a lifelong grudge. He was a very poor immigrant who lived only with his father since his mother had died. Once, when he was about eight or ten or so (let’s say ten), it was his mother’s yahrtzeit, so he went to shul to say kaddish. As a penniless orphaned immigrant, all he could do was to scrounge up a few kichels for shul but nothing more. For whatever reason, his father was not with him at shul and so, he was at the shul by himself. He remained through the davening and said kaddish and afterwards put out the small plate of kichels. One of the regulars teased him and said, “This is what you call a tikkun?”

As you might guess, he was very offended and humiliated, and made up never to go back to that shul. Apparently, it was not only to that shul, to any shul.

Really, this is not an exceptional story. Probably all of us have heard stories just like this about people who had traumatic or humiliating experiences in their developing years which turned them away from Yiddishkeit and religion.

Of course, the purpose of telling this story at the shiva was to drive home a point about sensitivity and how a single sarcastic or cynical comment can drive a vulnerable person to shun religion. The trite lesson of חיים ומוות ביד הלשון. And the Torah warns us: כל יתום ואלמנה לא תענון.

This lesson is intended to teach us how we should view the “perpetrator”. How much damage he did and that we certainly should not “be like him”. We probably think of him as one of the most heartless people on earth and will have a lot to answer for in the Heavenly Court. We might say that the Yetzer Hara had this guy in his clutches.

As is my style, I like to look at the other side of the coin. I want to look at the 10-year-old, and now probably about 60-year-old, kid. We see him as the poor orphaned victim and most of us can sympathize with him and understand why he has not walked into a shul for fifty years.

I am not as sympathetic.

No question, a 10-year-old yasom is a very vulnerable person. He had a void in his life and his “greenhorn” immigrant father wasn’t able to compensate and, from how it was told, even the child was an immigrant. One cannot be more socially disconnected than that. Moreover, if he shunned religion at such an age, we assume that he did not go to Jewish day school and probably was not bar-mitzvah. Likely, he never put on tefillin, never went to yeshiva and learned. And probably did not keep other mitzvos. A lost soul.

I get all that.     

Still, as I heard the avel tell the story, I asked myself (and maybe even asked the avel), “50 years?” He certainly had some religious upbringing and knew how to daven in shul and say kaddish. Someone ticks him off and he goes on strike for 50 years? 

50 years?

That’s a long time to bear a grudge. And it’s a long time not to move forward.

Yes, he was young and vulnerable. And the Yetzer Hara saw a soft, unprotected target. A prime candidate for his “molestation”. And, like every molester does, he groomed him to become his  “friend”.

Let’s look again at the “heartless” perpetrator. I don’t see him as “heartless” as much as just plain thoughtless. I’m sure this person didn’t realize how vulnerable the child was and how humiliating it was to criticize him. Jews tend to be cynical and especially because many of us, and certainly the old timers, had to go through this kind of thing themselves. In the old days, nobody was spared.

I see no reason not to dan l’kaf zchus and assume that if he would have known the impact of his remarks, he would have apologized and mollified the boy. But he never got the chance. The Yetzer Hara didn’t want him to. The YH wanted to make sure this kid does not go to shul. After all, who knows what other mitzvas he might ch”v start doing?

Evidently, the YH was working on both sides of the street.

But 50 years is a long time. And after a while a yasom is not a yasom anymore, and a victim is not a victim anymore. Initially, this event was a reason not to go to shul. Later it became an excuse.

There is a valid reason why he left then. But that isn’t a reason not to come back when he is older. He has no reason, just an excuse. Perhaps, when he was approached 50 years later, he finally realized that he has no reason nor any excuse not to comply. Perhaps he had been married and had some grown children. There comes a point where he can’t be a yasom anymore.

But there is no way to get back what he could have had over the past 50 years. And I am sure he is ready to blame this thoughtless Jew for everything. He as much as said so. But it wasn’t him.

Many people suffer traumatic experiences in early life. Experiences that cause them to move away from HKBH. That’s exactly what the YH wants. It’s what he has been grooming them to do. And every time the person might want to take a new step forward, comes his old pal the YH, who has always been there for him, and reminds him or her about how hurt they were at that time. He never lets them forget it. He never lets them get past it. He always brings them back. He makes sure they relive it again and again. 10, 20,30, 50 years or more.

About six weeks ago was Parshas Bechukosai. This Parsha tells us what we need to do to have a successful life – doing Hashem’s mitzvos with some degree of ameilus b’Torah. But right afterwards it tells us how to lose it all. First, we “neglect” to study Torah. Then we abandon mitzvos. Then we loathe others who perform them. Then we despise the Gedolim. Then we prevent others from observing. Then we deny the mitzvos were ever commanded. Then we deny the existence of HKBH.

This is the point of no-return. And how did one get here?

He gradually went down the slippery slope. One level drags one down to the next. (Rashi Vayikra 26:15). And where did it all begin?

Yep, by grooming. It began when the YH told him that there is no reason to understand what HKBH wants from us. No reason to study the Torah. It’s enough just to be observant and do mitzvos. You don’t have to understand them. You don’t need to be an expert. Just be an uneducated consumer.

This is how the grand molester, the Yetzer Hara, grooms us.

Last Shabbos we read Parshas Chukas in Eretz Israel. This coming Shabbos the slowpokes in chu”l will read Parshas Chukas. Parshas Chukas tells us the story of the copper snake. A very strange story. What’s it all about?

Let’s go back to Parshas Acharei Mos.

כמעשה ארץ מצרים אשר ישבתם בה לא תעשו

The deeds of the land of Egypt where you dwelled you are not to do,

Okay, they can relate to that. They were there in Egypt and saw it all. They know what this means. But there's more:

וכמעשה ארץ כנען אשר אני מביא אתכם שמה לא תעשו

The deeds of the land of Canaan to which I am bringing you, you are not to do,

Stop the presses! We already mentioned Egypt and we know what it’s all about. We were there so we have an accurate feel for what the Torah is about to tell us. Why do we need to add on Canaan? They aren’t any different and we haven’t actually been there, anyway.

HKBH knew something we did not yet know. The nation standing at Mount Sinai who are hearing these words, the nation who were redeemed from Egypt, isn’t going to arrive in Eretz Canaan. They will die in the desert and a new generation is going to enter the land of Canaan. And this generation that enters Canaan will not be those who left Egypt and will not be those who saw and internalized the depravity of Egypt. They will be a nation of Jews who were raised and nurtured in the sheltered “Lakewood” of the desert and have no first-hand knowledge of the depravity of the pagans. This kind of behavior will be totally alien to them. Hence, they must be forewarned that they will enter a land of depravity which they have never witnessed and will need to be ready to handle it.

Parshas Chukas is a pivotal parsha. This is the parsha where we “skip” 38 years of dark ages and arrive at year 2487, one year prior to entering the land (2488). And we have a new and complete congregation. A new generation of Jews. A generation who “does not know Joseph” and does not know Pharaoh, either.

After being encamped in the desert wilderness and sheltered by the Clouds of Glory for 38 years, this naïve nation is finally standing at the outskirts of “civilized” nations. They begin seeing things they have never yet seen. Fields with wheat and barley, olive groves, vineyards, orchards. Wells and springs.

 

They have been living in booths made of clouds, drinking “tap” water and eating this strange frosty “bread”. For the younger ones this has been for all their lives. It is all they have ever known. This bread is not miraculous. It’s the norm. We get it every day. And nothing else. And, truth be told, we’re sick of it!

We want real water, real food, not this ruinous bread! Oh, and while we’re at it, I don’t think we need these clouds anymore, either. We don’t know what Egypt was like because we weren’t there, but if it’s anything like the splendor we’re seeing in these lands (Edom, Sichon and Og), we would rather that you never brought us out of there.

The Torah says that HKBH sent the venomous snakes which bit many people of the nation and put many people to death.

Once we recognize that we are dealing with a new and young and naïve nation, it is hard to understand what was so terrible about their complaints.

To understand this, let’s see what happens next.

HKBH tells Moshe to make for himself a serpent (not a snake) and to raise it up on a pole. Whoever is bitten and looks at the serpent will live. Note that it doesn’t say that if he does not, he will die. Moshe then fashions a serpent in the form of a copper snake. The “bitten” people look at this snake and live.

What is happening here?

In this week’s edition of Toras Avigdor, Rav Miller ZTL explains that the “nachash” is an old friend that we know from Brias Olam (Creation). This is the snake that persuaded Adam and Chava to eat from the Eitz Hadaas.

The snake was always meant to be our Yetzer Hara, but it was initially meant to be a more visible and defined entity. It stood up straight. We could easily recognize it and identify it. This was because we did not yet know of both good and evil. Good and evil means good and evil intertwined in every entity (for this we can use a full discussion of the Parah Adumah from this parshah but we’re not going to go there now). But now, after the sin and the new "knowledge", the Yetzer Hara has to take on a new form. One that one doesn't recognize. One that crawls on its belly at ground level and is the same color as the sand and soil. Brown and copper.

The Yetzer Hara is now a clandestine secret agent in all kinds of disguises. Like the old-time radio crime-fighter “The Shadow”, he is all but invisible, knows “the evil that lurks in the hearts of men”, and has the ability to “cloud men’s minds”. Just he’s not interested in fighting crime.

Rav Miller explains that the snake, a.k.a. Yetzer Hara, does not want publicity or exposure. He wants to stay camouflaged where one doesn’t see him. The instruction to Moshe from HKBH was to do the opposite. To take the 'snake’ in its camouflage fatigues (dull copper) and hold him up for all to recognize. When one can now identify this rascal, he can know who the enemy is, and then, he can even learn how to recognize it in his habitat and learn how to avoid it.

As such, aside from the “pashut pshat”, we can understand the allegorical lesson of this event. The inexperienced nation was beginning to stray after their eyes and see distant fields where the grass appeared to be greener. They yearned for a piece of the action. HKBH sent upon them the "nachash", the Yetzer Hara, which “bit” them and caused them to burn with all kinds of passions. This, in turn, led them to disconnect with their spiritual side and the source of life and they began to die. It was a spiritual death.

Moshe created a brown/beige snake (not fiery polished copper) to show them that they are being attacked by a Yetzer Hara who is always camouflaged and crawls on its belly, and one cannot see him coming. As the Mishna says in Rosh Hashanah (3:8), those who would be inspired to fight the Yetzer Hara and rededicate their hearts to HKBH were healed. If not, they deteriorated. This, says the Mishna, is the same thing that happened in their earlier war against Amalek when our hands weakened from Torah.

The new generation were young and inexperienced. They were very vulnerable. And all this time, the great molester, the Yetzer Hara, was grooming them to do his bidding. He disguised himself as nothing more than lush, green looking pastures. Moshe needed to teach them that what looks like greener pastures is the Yetzer Hara’s way of dressing up dry brown (copper) soil.

The lesson of the Copper Snake is not enough. Molesters, like the YH, are hell-bent on getting what they want. The crafty ones do it by grooming the victims to become their friends and convincing the victims that they are doing things they will like and appreciate. They want them to think they are doing them a favor and submit to them willingly. They want the fun to be consensual.

When this doesn’t work, they have another method. This is to incapacitate the victim and do what they want without his/her consent. They try to put them to sleep so they do not know they are being molested. To do this, they may resort to what are known as “date-rape” drugs. These are substances that are added to drinks and put the user asleep and debilitates them.

Renowned Belzer Rosh Yeshiva HRHG Pinchas Fridman, Shlita, releases a drasha every week titled Shevilei Pinchas. In his drasha last Shevuos, he discussed our legend that the Jewish nation overslept on the morning of Mattan Torah. HKBH sounded heavenly Shofarot to wake us up. He writes that the Shofarot were meant to rouse us to do teshuva just like we do in Chodesh ellul. He quotes the Rambam in Hilchos Teshuva 3:4:

Even though sounding the shofar on Rosh Hashanah is a Torah decree (גזירת הכתוב), there is an implication in it, saying ‘wake up sleepers from your slumber and rouse up from your stupor, and examine your deeds and do teshuva and remember your Creator’.

Clearly, the Yetzer Hara doesn’t want us to think about our Creator, so he lulls us to sleep. Rav Friedman goes on and tells a story of a scholar who fell asleep in the Beis Midrash of the Tiferes Shlomo. The Tiferes Shlomo approached him, woke him up and asked him if he could answer “the captain’s question”?

The scholar was puzzled, so the Rav explained, I am referring to the captain of Yonah’s ship. The one who asked him, “Why are you sleeping? Rise up and call out to your G-d.” He then quotes a sefer Arvei Nachal which says that the gemara, tells us that the Jewish nation is compared to a Yonah (Brachos 53b). Thus, Yonah is the entire Jewish nation traveling through galus and chooses to “sleep it out”.

Our sages compared us in this long bitter exile to a ship that is foundering at sea that is expected to sink at any moment, and there is no hope save for the hope that HKBH will save it, for there is no other plan. Likewise, are we in this exile as a sheep among 70 wolves…with no way out. And for this the scripture calls out, “And Yonah descended to the bowels of the ship, and he laid down and slumbered.” The Jewish nation is compared to a dove and the Ruach Hakodesh (the Captain) screams at us, “Why are you sleeping? There is no time to sleep. Just rise up and call out to your G-d. Perhaps G-d will think of you and we will not be lost.”

When we pray maariv we say, הסר שטן מלפנינו ומאחרינו. Remove the Satan from in front of us and from behind us.

What is ‘from in front of us’?

When we can see him and recognize him, even if he is laying low and camouflaged.

What is ‘from behind us’?

When he puts drugs in our drinks and lulls us to sleep.

He is the grand molester, and he comes from all sides.

What is the remedy?

We learned the lesson from Parshas Bechukosai that we must supplement our mitzva observance with ameilus b’Torah. If not, he will groom us and drag us down step by step to rock bottom.

But if we are drugged, we can’t even do that.

We can only arise and call out to HKBH.

קום, קרא אל א-לקיך.

קרוב ה' לכל קוראיו

לכל אשר יקראוהו באמת

יונה בן אמיתי

One thing is certain...

...we cannot be "victims" all our lives.