Owning our Mistakes (Toldos)

 

 

Our patriarch Yitzchok was not much of a conversationalist. His exploits in the Torah barely cover three Parshios. In one of these, Parshas Chaye Sara, he doesn’t even have a speaking role. In Parshas Veyeira, his sole speaking role is all of six words. The main point is three words: “ואיה השה לעולה?” – Where’s the sheep?

Yitzchak Avinu is very concise and says several profound things in very few words. And every word is measured. I just presented one example above from Parshas Vayeira. Here in our Parsha (Toldos), we hear a bit more from him, but still in very few words. Some examples are פן אמות עליה and הנה נא זקנתי. He doesn’t waste time on big talk.

Now I need to get to the point (I am not so concise) and discuss one of Yitzchak Avinu’s brief statements that tell us a very important message. Once again, he says it in just three words.

This is after Yaakov snuck in and received the brachos and then Eisav entered and asked his father to eat and bless him. Yitzchak asked Eisav who he is, and he identified himself as Eisav. The Torah says that Yitzchok shuddered and exclaimed, “If so, who was that that hunted game and brought it to me to eat before I blessed him?”

Okay, that statement was not too short. But he follows it up with a very curt remark: גם ברוך יהיה. “And he will remain blessed.”

And he will remain blessed. What is Yitzchok telling us?

Rashi explains: And he will remain blessed – So that one should not say that if Yaakov had not deceived his father, he would not have taken the brachos, therefore he consented and blessed him willingly.

From Rashi we see that Yitzchok is giving us a lesson for life.

We are all human and we all make mistakes. Most of the time it is because we are led to believe that the conditions or circumstances of a given situation are one way, and we learn later that they are different. The initial assumption called for a specific course of action and the updated condition calls for another.

In some cases, the conditions are not in error, but the mistake was an assumption or judgement that a specific course of action will yield the best outcome and we learn later that this is not the case. Perhaps there were other options which would have a better outcome. We call this an error in judgment.

To some extent, we can be excused for making a mistake for just as long as we were not set straight. But not for a minute longer. The minute we discover what we didn’t know until now, from here on in it is no longer a mistake. We need to take a stand on the updated conditions. We need to respond.

This need to “respond” makes us “responsible”.

This means that if there is still a way to remedy the mistake, it is incumbent on us to do so. We cannot say, “Oh, oops, I made a mistake” and walk away. To the extent that they can be corrected, we are responsible.

In many situations, nothing can be done. It is what we call “water under the bridge”. But, of course, we still need to assess the mistake. If it is a mistake that was better not made, then the one “responsible” at least needs to show some remorse. If it damaged another person and cannot be fixed, at least to apologize or perhaps to compensate. If it does not involve another person, it is an opportunity to learn and grow and take care not to repeat it.

Or, we can assess that even though it was not what we meant to do and if we would have known all the facts we would have acted differently, the mistaken path was actually the best course of action. We can give our stamp of approval on the mistake and stand behind it. Indeed, any mistake that we don’t remedy – when possible – or don’t actively distance ourselves from, like to apologize, should and is taken as a declaration that this is no longer a mistake. As of now, it has your full approval.

So, it may seem that this is the lesson that Yitzchok Avinu is telling us with his brief remark - We own our mistakes.

If we don’t approve of them, we must correct them or denounce them. If we do not correct them or denounce them, it automatically says that we approve of them and can be held accountable.

But it’s not just this. It doesn’t stop here.

I think anyone with any midos and yiras shamayim can figure all this out without Yitzchok Avinu’s help. A mature and responsible person takes responsibility for his or her mistakes.

Yitzchok is telling us a little bit more than that.

In our story, there were actually two mistakes. The first was Yitzchok’s mistaken impression that it was appropriate to give Eisav the brachos to begin with.

There are numerous opinions that explain his mistake. I recommend a very insightful newly released shiur from HRHG Yitzchok Breitowitz, Shlita, that I saw today. He points out that Yitzchok was no fool and knew very well that Eisav was no future Rosh Yeshiva. That was Yaakov’s job. But he was planning to give these blessings of wealth to Eisav to help make him a successful administrator and fundraiser to partner up with Yaakov. Rivka understood that Eisav would not use these blessings of wealth to help Yaakov, only to oppose him. As such, even the material bracha had to go to Yaakov.

The second mistake is that he thought he was giving the brachos to Eisav when he was really giving them to Yaakov. Why did he make this mistake?

Because Yaakov deceived him into thinking so.

The first mistake we can say was Yitzchok’s mistake. It was poor judgement, but it was his judgement. He’ll take responsibility for that.

But the second mistake wasn’t really his. He was deceived by somebody else. It’s not his fault. “Don’t blame me. I’m not responsible.” He could have told Yaakov, “You broke it, you fix it.”

But Yitzchok did not shy away. It doesn’t matter why this mistake was made and who triggered it. Now that I know that something didn’t go like I thought it should, I need to take responsibility. I need to make the decision which way this needs to go from this point onward. If I do not, and there are undesirable repercussions, I will have to answer for them even though I did not cause them. It’s my call.

Gam baruch yihiyeh!

It can be said that this is not the first time the Torah conveys this lesson. All the way back in Parshas Breishis, Adam and Chava ate from the fruit of the Eitz Hadaas and this resulted in the biggest disaster to confront mankind.

Adam’s excuse was: “The woman that You gave me, gave me from the tree and I ate.” It’s not my fault. She got me into it. (Note – See Baal Turim.)

Chava’s excuse was: “The snake enticed me, and I ate.” It’s not my fault. This creature talked me into it.

Excuses, excuses. And we know that it did not get them off the hook.

Perhaps Yitzchok also learned it from them. We own our mistakes even if it’s technically not our fault. Once we know the facts, if we can do anything about it, it is up to us. It’s our call. Our burden to bear. And if we don’t make any changes, it is a full declaration that we approve of the current status as if this was our position from the start.

Gam Baruch yihiyeh.

It is obvious that we are living in times of total turmoil. It is a time of birrur – distinguishing. Which side are we on? Where are we headed? Is this where we should be headed? If so, what can I do to get us there faster? If not, where and how to change course?

We are swiftly approaching what the evangelists call the “Day of Reckoning”. Reckoning means  דין וחשבון. The GR”A famously says that din is an accounting of what we did or did not do. Cheshbon is an accounting of what we could have done and should have done. This means what we could have done before our mistakes were made and what we should have done after our mistakes were made, regardless of what caused us to make them.

It is not only Parshas Toldos but it is also the first week of Kislev. The struggle of the Chashmonaim against the pagan Greeks was the easy fight. Their struggle against the Hellenist Jews was the bigger fight. To be honest, even up to now, we haven’t really won that one. It’s still raging. As I wrote in my previous post, we don’t know who our friends are and who our enemies are. Our closest relatives may be our worst enemies.

והסר שטן מלפנינו ומאחרינו

But Yitzchok Avinu is telling us something way more important.

Many individuals don’t even know who they themselves are. Deep inside they know it is the day of reckoning. But they don’t know what to do.

Each of us needs to take a stand and own our mistakes. Either make the necessary changes or take responsibility for not changing them. There is no neutral and there is no “Let bygones be bygones”.

Moshe Rabeinu said it at the eigel and Mattisyahu said it to the Hellenists.

מי לה' אלי – Who stands with HKBH come to me!

 

ויתן לך את ברכת אברהם לך ולזרעך אתך לרשתך את ארץ מגריך אשר נתן א-לקים לאברהם.

 

גם ברוך יהיה!